Chicago Fire

Interstate 35W Bridge in Minneapolis, MN — Yes, you got it right! Gov. Sarah Palin was on the scene for the grand opening of the I35W bridge that really does go somewhere. "It is kind of on the cutting edge. It's wonderful. What a beautiful bridge. It's terrific." she said. Her smile seemed slightly forced, as this bridge was build for far less money than her bridge was budgeted for, but never got built. The numbers: $230+ million in Minnesota vs. $400+ million in Alaska.

But Ms. Palin was not on the bridge to nit-pick about dollars. Rather she was there to take advantage of the photo-op to announce her proposition for the various Rebumblican offices she will need to fill when Palin/McCain actually takes office in January. It's quite a number of people and she is up to the cause and, dare I mention, there's not a blink in sight.

As she valiantly avoided the various squad cars, fire trucks, ambulances and maintenance trucks in the new bridge's parade of cars, motorcycles, trucks and buses at 5 a.m., she watched the magical reopening of one of the busiest arteries in the Twin Cities.

Many drivers honked and a few waved American flags to inaugurate the span. Mistaking these efforts as applause for her own VP candidacy, she smiled broadly and waved at all of them. Never blinking once, even though there were tears of joy streaming on her cheeks.

"Aren't all Americans just the best ever?" she asked no one in particular. Then she answered, as if one of those she had asked, "Yes, I say they are. Look at them driving across this damned useful bridge that they have detoured around for 13 months, and they still honk and wave at me, a mere presumptive vice president."

A newsman from the local ABC television station ventured a quick request for a statement on the standing of the "troopergate scandal" in her home state. "Is it true that you once agreed to support and aid the investigation and now you have decided not to do so?"

"I don't know what you are talking about, sir." Palin stated, waving still at all the cars passing on the bridge. "I have come here to announce Senator McCain's and my proposals for the various positions that will be available in Washington in January when we take office. Nothing more. Do you have a question about that subject and that subject alone? If not, then thanks, but no thanks, as far as I can be concerned."

The newsman quickly parroted "which positions would you be responsible for filling?"

"Well, John has said that I could have my pick of the lot, so I think that I have some real winners to put into those offices on energy, interior, education, health, defense and especially on the economy, my strong suit as you know."

She continued "You know, this isn't one of my classmates actually, but that Senator Biden has a tremendous amount of experience. I think he was first elected when I was like in the second grade. So I am going to put him right into the health department. I know that he can come up with some wonderful ideas there, no matter what they do there. You know he rides the trains, so he has to have lots of time to think about health issues. I am sure he will come up with something.

"You know that this bridge has sensors for detecting the 'health' of the concrete? Well, maybe Senator Biden will take that to heart and see what can be done with this nation's great fundamentals, they need lots of health care."

Then she changed her position slightly, and said, "I think that maybe he will be more workable in the defense department, as that is a place that needs some real issue-driven thinking and he certainly has that quality. Yes, he's the new defense guy. Not health."

The newsman decided to go further, "Any other people you have considered for the other jobs?"

"Well," she began, "I think that I have a great girlfriend in Anchorage, Esmerelda Witt –we all call her Easy– who is just dying to do the interior thing. She has a little accessories store right on the main corner of downtown Anchorage, and she will be just perfect to manage that fine department. Why, her store already has departments in it, so how much better can it get? She has a real drapes area, a fine upholstery department, even a great little new department, and this is new for us in Alaska, where she will match paint colors to your favorite stuffed animal or other favorite thing. How's that for cutting edge interiorizing?"

When Ms. Palin turned back to the newsman from her waving and smiling at all the cars, he had seemingly left the area.

By Bob Z. Guy