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Study Finds,
"Chicks are Psycho"
By
Brian K. White An all-male research team at
Princeton university released the findings of a 30-year study this week. This
lifetime of research was gathered by five men who describe themselves as
“healthy, stable, and well-balanced.” Rufus Twilling, one of the researchers,
adds, “We’re not misogynists, I swear.”
 The
longitudinal study dates back to the early 1970s. At the time, today’s doctoral
candidates were merely geeky children who avoided sports and spent vast amounts
of time in the role-playing realm of Dungeons & Dragons. Further, three
of the five researchers claim to have beaten Mike Tyson on their Nintendo game
systems.
Theodore Barcelona, lead researcher, explains, “My mother, my two sisters –
these are the closest things that I've ever had to girlfriends. They were all
psycho. A hundred degrees of madness, vaginal issues out the wahzoo, and
mandatory chick-flick nights. How am I supposed to explain that with any other
word?” Mr. Barcelona then asked this reporter, “You look like a dude who's had a
lot of chicks [he has]. How would you characterize them? [Psycho.]”
Albert “Jock” Jones, named for his prowess in competitive sports like chess and
Mei Jong, told reporters, “They want flowers and chocolate. They want you to
remember their birthdays and meaningless anniversaries. It’s madness, I tell you
– madness! I’d have to roll at least a six in perseverance just to survive that
attack on my character.”
The group’s “token researcher,” a Mr. Rick Slater, actually has some social
skills and experience with women. He offered that, “Some girls want you to buy
them lobster or take them out before spending the night. What’s with that? We
married or something?”
The study points to obligatory meetings with friends and family, the mandatory
disposal of costly and meaningful porn collections, and the requirement to be
“exclusive” while in female-imposed monogamous (some say monotonous)
relationships as the tip of the rather unscientific “super-psycho iceberg.”
The fifth and final researcher, who asked not to be named, said, “How come my ex
[wife] still has my house, my stuff, and most importantly, my TV? I was
faithful, attentive and wanted to spend my life with her. Now she just wears the
UPS guy like a sweaty badge of honor or something.” He added through clenched
teeth, “I’m a scientist, dammit, it’s not like I can just to go a bar and get
some, y’know?”
David Cohen, the author of an earlier and similar study explains, “Ever since I
read about
ex-girlfriends keeping stuff in the news, I knew that men got the short end
of the stick – the business end, if you will. I had to let the world know on a
scientific basis how it is, and how definite it is, that chicks are all
totally psycho. Every last one of ‘em. Especially the ones who say they
aren’t. Oh boy, you gotta watch out for them twice as much.”
While GlossyNews does not specifically endorse the study, it is important to
point out that, indeed, all women are seemingly psycho. Be it your mother, your
grandmother, or the late Mother Theresa, all these vagi-havers need to be
watched very, very closely, as is the policy regarding female employees here at
GlossyNews.
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Government study: trailer trash live in trailer parks
 Washington DC, David
Kruk - The
Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year,
multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study,
outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer
trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders.
The report published last
month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red
necks. While the report does not indicate how this came to be, it verified that,
on average, seventy-five percent of residents in most trailer parks were poor
white people known as red necks. Trailer
Trash Cont.
Pills force man to think only
about sex, man sues
 Stonecastle, Ohio- Bobzaguy -
Saying that he became a
slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills
filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the
drug.
“These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my
thoughts” said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. “As I have got older, my wife
is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave
me this prescription for Viagra 100mg. Well, I have to admit they do work the
way the instruction video says that’s for sure. Wow, is she happy.”
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