News Satire - Political Satire - News Satire - Political Satire - News Satire - Political Satire - News Satire - Political Satire - News Satire - News Satire -

The 3AM call in the White House

By  David  M.  Kruk - 

Red  Tractor USA Editor in Chief

Now that Hillary Clinton has staked her White House presidential bid on the premise that she is the best equipped candidate to take “That 3am call in the morning” I can’t stop imagining 3am phone calls to the White House for the different candidates and the current president, George W. Bush.

First, since Hillary started it – I will start with her.  Phone ringing, “What time is it Bill? Heck it’s 3am,  I’ll get it. Hello, hello, …who is this?"  [audible gasp] “Bill, I think it's ‘That Woman’ and she sounds drunk.” 

Hillary continues, “Listen bitch, Bill can’t come to the phone right now and don’t call back here trying to wreck our marriage.  Bill has repented for his sins and I have forgiven him. From what he told me anyway, honey, you weren’t that good.” Hillary bangs down the phone.

“See Bill, I handled that 3am call well!”

Or the phone the rings at 3am, and Bill answers, “Sorry, wrong Clinton here.  Let me get Hillary. She’s in charge here now, always was, but I will make sure to advise her well in whatever decision she makes. Hillary, it’s for you.” 

Now, to be fair, one can also easily see John McCain taking a call at 3am.  The conversation goes like this.  Phone ringing, “Cindy dear, can you grab that, ooh, no I mean the phone dear.  Thank you.”    The conversation continues, “McCain here.  What? Those Iranian bastards fired on another ship? Get the word to that that Iranian prick that we are going to stick a nuke up his asshole soon if he doesn’t get his act together.”

Now for Cindy’s McCain turn.  Phone ringing,” Hello, hello, hi who is this?  Rico? What the…  Why are you calling me at 3am?  I’m stocked up on my pain killers for while.” She hangs up. “Cindy, who was that dear?” Mr. McCain asks.  

“Just my doctor dear. Go back to sleep John.”

Now for Barrack Obama’s turn.  Phone ringing at 3am.  “Dear, it’s the phone and it’s 3am.  This could be it!” Hopping up in his black and white pin strip pajamas, President Obama answers the phone.”Yes, this is the President speaking. What, they fired on another of our ships?  Get the word to that Iranian president that we are on a small planet here and that their shot at our ship is not just an attack on us as Americans, or on our armed forces in the Gulf, but rather that it’s an attack on the world, the global community of those united for democracy and peace”. Brief me in the morning, goodnight.”

Now, we can’t leave President Dubya outa the fun.  Phone ringing at 3am. “Hello, Jenna is that you?  Do you know that it is 3am??   What, I can’t hear you, you thought it was 2?  You need some money?  I can’ hear you. Sounds like you are in a bar.  What?  Manhattan? Here talk to you mother”.

Or for a serious call to George Bush at 3am. Phone ringing, “President here, what time is it? 3am eh…good thing I don’t drink anymore!   What, the Iranians fired another shot at one of our warships?   Tell that knucklehead that he looks like Gilligan to me. Wait, maybe not that. Tell him that we goin' be over there for the next 100 years making his life a living hell and then see what he thinks!”  Click. “I wonder if this line is wiretapped?” 

Mr. Bush smirks to his wife, “Back in the day, I would just be getting home at 3am.  Goodnight babe.”

 "Goodnight Mr. President."  

Past Columns

3AM Call To The White House
3AM Call To The White House
Brown Nosing
Corporate Dress Code
Excuses For Being Late To Work
Excuses for being late to work - Autumn
Looking Important at Work
Office Holiday Party Behavior
Office Holiday Party Behavior

Glen Beck: “Arm students on campus”

CNN TV show host Glenn Beck today detailed on his program his ideas for arming college students on the nations’ college campuses.   Mr. Beck offered his plan in the wake of the recent shooting deaths at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Illinois.

Fed up with colleges being “Gun Free” zones, Mr. Beck proposed the distribution of guns to college students through vending machines that could be located next to the soda pop and snack machines on campus. 

Mr. Beck stated, “Yes, I think we need to arm college students and what better way than with a vending machine.   Guns on campus cont.

Laura Bush smoking and drinking   

Washington DC,  David Kruk - Wondering what Laura Bush has been up to lately?    Intrigued by her complete absence of any public appearances standing by her man, President George W.Bush, Red Tractor USA recently set out to find out what the First Lady has been doing.

Turns out, not too much more than smoking her favorite cigarettes and drinking beer. That’s right, whether she is down home on the ranch in Crawford or at home in the White House, apparently Laura Bush has been spending much of her free time smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. Laura Bush Smoking Cont.