“I knew things were going well when I got into the elevator at work and the
boss’s hot secretary couldn’t keep her hands off me,” said White, hair ruffled
from near-perpetual sexual activity. “Normally she doesn’t even notice me, but
as soon as she smelled that body spray she pushed the emergency stop button and
started tearing my clothes off, just like on TV!”
But this was just the first of the hundreds, if not thousands of women that
White was implied to have sex with on that day alone. As depicted in the
commercial, which began airing on the first of this month, his naughty
adventures were just beginning.
Upon exiting the elevator, White was immediately pursued by a handful of
businesswomen in tight skirts and long heels who, according to nearby male
observers, were very deliberate in taking off their glasses and letting their
hair down as they gave chase. “It’s not that I didn’t want to bone them,”
admitted White. “It’s just that they had this ferocious look in their eyes that
I’m not used to getting from women. It was arousing and alarming.”
White was chased out of his office and onto the streets where he was quickly
accosted by hyper-sexed female tennis players, nurses, Japanese and Catholic
schoolgirls, equestrians, and countless other fetishized versions of otherwise
normal women. It is unclear how exactly all these women knew of White’s
whereabouts though a stiff breeze is suspected. Other than White, no men were
present in the throng.
Since this first incident over a week ago, White has unsurprisingly repeated the
scenario on a daily basis. Scientists and researchers have journeyed from all across
the country to observe the phenomenon with mixed success.
“The first time we attempted to document the phenomenon we grossly
underestimated the ‘Axe Effect,’” said Jonas Finch, professor of biology at Harvard University. “The female
scientists in our research team were no match for the manly musk that exuded
from every pore of Mr. White, and needless to say, their resultant behavior was
completely unprofessional. Lots of valuable data was compromised when half our
team went from being objective observers to all out participants in the
lascivious foray.”
Scientists from various fields have also documented the distinct nonpresence of
any women of hotness below an “8” anywhere within a one mile radius of White
whenever he is using the deodorant.
None of this comes as a surprise to Unilever, the multi-national corporation
that has had incredible success with Axe (or Lynx as it is called in Australia,
Ireland, New Zealand, and the United Kingdom) since its release in the US in
2002. “An intoxicating scent that provides you with a never-ending supply of
promiscuous girls is exactly what we have to offer with every application of Axe
body spray and deodorant,” said Lucy Cummings, spokesperson for Unilever. “We
have no intention of fooling our customers with misleading ads; what you see is
what you get.”
Still, Cummings could not deny that the effects are not permanent. “If you want
attention from the ladies you’re just going to have to keep buying more.” At
this point in the interview Ms. Cummings smelled the masculine aroma of an
Axe-user in the vicinity and bolted in his direction without further comment.
As
Cummings suggested, White’s popularity with the ladies returned to a balanced
and normal level last Friday when he left home using an alternative deodorant on
account of having run out of his “precious” Axe. “It was very sad,” said White.
“Melissa, my boss’s secretary, wouldn’t even look at me when I walked by her in
the office. All the women I ran into that day, hot or not, didn’t really treat
me like anyone special.”
“Some of the babes were waiting for me outside the office, I guess as a force of
habit,” continued White, “but they were all interested in talking and getting to
know me as a person instead of just wanting to get it on. I’m not a very
interesting person so you can guess how that went.”
White, due to this recent let down, is now more eager than ever to continue
purchasing Axe so he can again have the satisfaction of being a sexually desired
male. “I’ve got a new can of Axe just waiting to be opened, but I think I’m
going to take a few days off and reflect on how I depend on this product as a
below-average man.”
“I
hear there’s a new scent coming out, and I can’t wait to see the commercial so I
can know just what kind of sexy girls are going to want to sleep with me,”
continued White. “All I can say is it had better work, because I’m not paying
$5.99 for something that doesn’t get me laid."
By
Michael Wakcher
Saying that he became a
slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills
filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the
drug.
