WASHINGTON - In
a continuing effort to avoid recession, House leaders and the White House were
pleased to announce plans for a new economic stimulus package that would include
a goat, a sack of dry beans, and an acre of farmland.
"People don't need money, they need
bread, or in this case, beans and a goat," said Treasury Secretary Henry M.
Paulson Jr. in a press conference last Thursday. "The goat will be good eating
for sure, but we strongly advise letting it pasture on the acre of land so it
can be shorn for fiber, and in the case of nannies, milked for yoghurt, and
cheese."
Individuals with adjusted gross
incomes under $75,000 and couples with adjusted gross incomes under $150,000
will receive a female goat for the added benefit of milk production, while those
earning over that amount will receive a billy. Those earning above a yet
undetermined amount will not be eligible for the stimulus goat, but will still
receive beans and land.
The proposed acres of farmland will
be located in the Midwest Region, particularly in Kansas and that state right
above it that nobody talks about much. In order to protect their fiefdoms, the
IRS has issued a warning to all vassals receiving land to avoid squatters and
robber barons.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the
package was aimed at serfs "and to those who aspire to be serfs." She described
it as "timely, targeted, and a welcome return of the American people to Thomas
Jefferson's ideal of the Yeoman farmer."
While the agreement on the new
stimulus package was hailed by President Bush as a bipartisan triumph, there are
still critics of the plan who believe the "goat, land, and sack" is just another
feel good policy that will ultimately fail to affect any changes. With goat
prices falling this quarter, many economists feel the federal government should
beef up the benefits.
"Two acres at least!" said Nobel
economic laureate Joseph Stiglitz. "And there's no sense in providing a goat if
you don't also provide a companion goat for it to breed with. No kids equals no
green for hard-plowing Americans."
Secretary Paulson hopes to address
these concerns in a letter to be mailed out next week to all proposed recipients
of the stimulus package, outlining various concerns such as how to hydrate dry
legumes (in water) and how to care for a living animal. "For those who think a
goat, an acre of land, and a sack of dry beans are not enough," said Paulson,
"consider that the sack in which you receive the beans is a tool in itself. It
can be used to help carry in the autumn harvest."
Among others who feel the package
will not be enough include a handful of congressional African Americans who have
demanded the long promise of 40 acres and a mule.
Democratic leaders said that to
speed the economic rescue goat they would work to bypass the usual committee
process and go straight to muster. There is unilateral hope that the goat
package will soften an economic downturn, forestall a recession, and take care
of some nasty patches of capeweed.
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