My Excuses For Being Late To Work  

By  David  M.  Kruk - 

Welcome to my world.  This is my first of hopefully many columns about life in the workplace.    My column is dedicated to every day workers.   Thank you Mr. CEO but I cant event count how much your making.

So today I start with assistance for workers with the issue of being late.  This issue is of the oldest conflicts in business and has been a problem since first days of capitalism.    Since I work at large hospital in New Jersey I thought I would share with you some of the best excuses I have used when I was late for work.    And no, I'm not a doctor, thank you, otherwise I would not  be reporting to 3 managers.   So here they are:

Sorry I was late – Hospital 1 - First I get a speeding ticket from the hospital rent-a-cop for going 20 in the parking lot.    After Barney Fife is done with me I rush into the hospital and bound towards the closing elevator.  As I do that I dropped my keys on the floor and they bounced once and then fell down the crack between the floor and the elevator.      As I lay down on the floor trying to eyeball where my keys  went, a fat blind bitch nearly stepped on my ass and crushed my balls.    Minus my keys and a little smaller, I then reported to work. 

Sorry I was late - Hospital 2 – Sorry I was late but I helped two old guys find their friend on the 4^th floor.  Right when I came in I spied these two old guys asking Andy the old volunteer guy at the information desk, what room their friend was in.     Andy’s response the first time was 4280.    Andy’s response the 2^nd time again was 4280 but so slow I was loosing it. The two old guys where not all there if you know what I mean and finally Andy starts to hand signals 4-2-8-0 and they figured out what he was talking about.  Andy, seeing me, asked if I could show them the way. 

Sorry I was late - Hospital 3 -  Since I am a little late anyway, I circle around the garage looking for a space on a low floor.    Instead of turning right against the grain where the sign says exit like I always do, I turn the correct way and stop while a lady shorter than her seat, is backing up at about 2 inches at a time.  So sitting there wondering how a person that short even has a driver license, I feel the sudden impact of a car hitting my rear end.      Now I a have an old lady on a cell phone (taller at least) trying to figure out what fuck happened.    Turns out she was so excited about her daughter having a baby that she forgot to stop. 

Sorry I was late – Hospital 4 – First to begin with, it was raining like a mofo on the route I take. Now I know it’s sunny over here but we got poured on and the traffic backed up.  So after I park the car I hustle into the service door and are cruising around the corner by the HR dept when this Filipino lady about 4 ft 2, flies around the corner coming towards me.   Guess who ended up on the floor about 10 feet away and it was not me.    Turns out this woman was a nurse being paged.  Noticing that her nose is bleeding I assisted her to the ER and apologized for running into her. 

Sorry I was late – Hospital 5 - After driving to work for 2 fucking hours I felt so stiff when I got out the car, I ended up in the morgue.     Like I said, I apologize for being late but maybe if you paid me more I could afford to live a little closer to work. 

Sorry I am late - Hospital 6 - The line at the Starbucks in the lobby was slow at shit. I am running late and some woman in front of the line decides to pay for her latte with all the loose change in her purse.  5, 10, 20, 40, 50 cents etc.   That what jars are for.  When the last time you saw a guy doing that.