News Satire From The Field

City sued for providing free drugs to residents

Philadelphia, PA - Bobzaguy      Recently the Associated Press disclosed that the Environmental Protection Agency plans on collecting 1 million pills during an Earth Day initiative aimed at the people who live around the Great Lakes. They also stated that there is a presence of antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the drinking water of at least 24 major metropolitan areas.

In answer to this situation, a Philadelphia press conference was called announcing a lawsuit against the city.

"Our organization, the BCLK, finds that this is unacceptable," declared Alicia Rey, a press aide to the umbrella organization of the Bloods, Crips and Latin Kings crime families. She continued, "we charge that the government is infringing on our street rights to sell these illegal prescription and over-the-counter drugs by putting them in the drinking water of Philadelphia. This is another example of how the government is horning in on our business."

"How can we continue to prosper if the city's water is going to carry more pharmaceuticals than any of the 24 major metropolitan areas," she asked. 'What are we supposed to do, move out?"

"Our concerns stem from the fact that the water department did not inform us officially of their intention to take over this major work of our combined families," Rey said. She finished her comments by saying that "the news set off a local firestorm. All the families street workers called in to complain to us. There was nothing that we could say to calm their rage."

Reporters quickly called local water department officials who revealed this was a misunderstanding due to a clerical error.

A spokesperson for the water officials said "We have not seen this lawsuit, so I can't comment on it per se. But I do know that the drugs alleged are way below medical doses. There is currently no indication that such small doses pose any risk to the financial security of the BCLK group."

The water department added "However, common sense suggests it is not a good idea to add too much medicine to anyone's water."

There is a sense among top management of the water department that it would cooperate with a pilot program along the lines that BCLK would be offered discounted pricing for locally confiscated drugs from police raids in the upcoming months. It is hoped that this will quiet the street noise for the summer months at least.