Fun Banned At Local Beach
Waukegan,
IL. - In what was regarded by beach authorities as a
“great triumph,” many small children whined obnoxiously last Friday when told
that the Waukegan Municipal Beach (WMB) was no longer a place that allowed its
patrons to have fun of any kind.
According to Richard Gotts, officer of beach safety at WMB, the decision to ban
fun was prompted by “rising insurance costs” coupled with the fact that “average
beach-goers are more than willing to participate in fun, merrymaking, and
otherwise risky behavior that often results in highly expensive situations.”
“Clearly,” added Gotts, “this is for their own protection.”
In
addition to fun, patrons are also instructed to avoid running, jumping,
swimming, playing, cavorting, revelry, having a time, having a “good” time,
making a day of it, enjoying one’s self, experiencing mirth, being amused, funny
business, and above all, gaiety.
Clarissa
Taylor, mother of three, has frequented the beach with her family for over ten
years and is skeptical of the beach’s new no-fun policy. “After standing in a
queue for several hours, my family and I were briskly escorted two armed guards
to a 12 foot by 12 foot square of sand where we were to sit quietly and as
motionless as possible until our hour at the beach was up,” said Taylor,
describing the beach’s new entrance procedure. “It really felt like something
was missing, though I can’t exactly say what.”
While
many patrons share these feelings, it is the WMB’s position that such widespread
discontent is just the sort of thing that will promote the glum and strictly
uneventful beach-going experience they’re trying to provide. “The complaining,
the moping, and the boo-hooing are all great signs that the no fun policy is
really working,” said Peter Tuds, taskmaster at the WMB internment area. “
People are having a boring, unpleasant, and most importantly, a well-monitored
time.”
In order
to enforce the no fun policy, the WMB has constructed over fifty towers
and
bunkers that line the one mile of daily-groomed sand that makes up the beach.
Each of these structures house up to four armed deathguards who are under strict
orders to gun down merriment, or even potentially joyous situations.
“Fun is
out there just waiting to happen, waiting to rear its ugly, smiling head” said
death-private Bill Jerkins, stroking the nozzle M16A2 assault rifle. “Anyone
who’s gone through basic can handle your standard floating noodle, but if we get
any kiddies building sand castles we’ve always got the F-16s to back us up.”
Some
critics of these enforcement tactics, who chose to remain anonymous for fear of
their own lives, believe that having so much heavy weaponry on the beach will
result in making the environment less safe than if fun were simply allowed.
General Bud “Frisbee-Crusher” Manshaw, head of pre-sea operations, denies that
this is the case, ensuring the public that all the brave men and women is
service of the WMB are highly trained professionals who would sooner take a
bullet to the chest than see a civilian harmed.
“We
don’t actually intend to shoot anyone,” said Frisbee-Crusher. “Our mission is
simply to create an oppressive environment in which fun is stamped out under our
iron boot… for security reasons.”
Earlier
this month, two eight-year-olds were fired at while playing tic-tac-toe in the
sand. “They weren’t hit,” said the boys’ father, “but I’m pretty sure it ruined
their game.”
But it
isn’t all success stories. Much to the exasperation of the WMB, many patrons
insist on having fun at virtually any cost. “It’s like no matter how many beach
balls we shoot out of the sky, another 4 are popping up in its place,” said an
anonymous deathguard. “I swear, sometimes it feels like the harder we enforce
the rules, the more fun people have trying to break them.”
In spite
of these setbacks, the WMB is currently discussing the possibility of “forcibly
assisting” other beaches with similar fun problems. “Waukegan beach sure is a
hoot, but we all know it’s small potatoes compared to say, Malibu, a place with
real waves and genuine sunshine,” said General Frisbee-Crusher. “We’re pretty
sure they’re holding weapons of mass divertissement over there.”
By Michael Wakcher
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