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Glenn Beck: “Arm Students On Campus”

CNN TV show host Glenn Beck today detailed on his program his ideas for arming college students on the nations’ college campuses.   Mr. Beck offered his plan in the wake of the recent shooting deaths at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Illinois.

Fed up with colleges being “Gun Free” zones, Mr. Beck proposed the distribution of guns to college students through vending machines that could be located next to the soda pop and snack machines on campus. 

Mr. Beck stated, “Yes, I think we need to arm college students and what better way than with a vending machine.   Prominently displayed gun vending machines could offer a variety of different size pistols to students at a variety of prices.”

Since many college students are strapped for cash, Mr. Beck suggested that gun manufacturers likely could be counted on offering “Student discounts” or even free “Saturday night specials” in return for advertisements placed on the vending machines and the chance to influence, at a young age, the brand preferences for these future gun consumers.

Mr. Beck told his audience of his hopes that the gun manufacturers could even offer guns painted with the respective colors of each major university and that it would be cool if the universities themselves sold holsters decorated with their school colors.

In addition to gun vending machines, Mr. Beck also proposes that universities could work with gun manufacturers to sell their weapons on “Protect your self” days, to be held once a month on a rotating basis, around the country.    Mr. Beck stated “Heck, I can even see these being fun days were the NRA could partner with the universities and the gun companies and set up target ranges like in the FBI movies with the pop-up people, but were the students could be trained to spot the difference between a crazed suicidal student and an undercover cop and drink beer at the same time.” 

And yes, Mr. Beck would encourage universities to offer free classes to students on how to safely maintain and fire weapons.   He also suggested that gun manufacturers and the NRA might offer to build indoor target ranges in return for naming rights for the buildings and the offer to stock the gift shops with their products. 

Mr. Beck also envisions many fraternities actively recruiting gun owners and even hosting pistol parties as a way of demonstrating their commitment to offering a safer college experience to their pledges. “That right” stated Mr. Beck, “Think about the members of that real serious fraternity in the move Animal House greeting prospective pledges with marble and ivory handled revolvers stored in museum like glass cabinets.”

Mr. Beck expressed excitement of the image he had last night of guns being on every college campus.  “So now the next nut job who wants to go postal on a college campus will know that almost every one is packing heat.  And guess what, with the odds stacked against them making a big statement, they will think twice about picking colleges as their next target ranges.”

By David Kruk

American family flees USA for Mexico

Phoenix, Az. –  Asking, “What’s so great about  life here” a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life. 

In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life.  

Having just been laid off from his job in the technology field because it was outsourced to a firm in India and facing foreclosure on their house, Mr. Smith told relatives today in Phoenix that he had heard from a Mexican chef at the local diner that a family of four can live in Mexico for just a few pesos a month.  American Family Flees To Mexico

Bush to appoint torture zcar

Washington, DC - Riding out the remaining 390 days left in his second term as president, George Bush has proposed to add a new Torture Czar to his administration’s cabinet.  As proposed, the new torture Czar will have primary oversight of torture administered by the CIA but will also oversee torture administered by all local and federal agencies.

The Torture Czar will work with CIA director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying obtained from detainees.    

Announced at a news conference today at the White House, the president's press secretary Dana Perino, told reporters that “The Torture Czar will balance our national security needs with our constitution. It is part of our national conscience to make sure that our agencies tasked with protecting our citizens and fighting the war on terror have the tools they need, while at the same time upholding the principles on which our fine county is based.”   Bush Torture Zcar Cont.