‘i’OWA IN POLiTiCS
AMES, IOWA June 25 —by Bob Rohden. Iowa caucus-watching
dictates “the wearing of the polyester” whenever you go out. Almost a religious
thing, but it’s only because poly repels the heat – of course it soaks it up
equally, so everyone takes on that plastic odor. Maybe if Rove wore this stuff
he would be a much warmer person…not.
Issue-wise, everything matters in Iowa. Remember, this is
where “see anything new at the Wal-Mart” starts a serious discussion in the
coffee shops…until caucus season starts. Not to be confused with the former
pheasant season – where people shoot each other once a year – now just ‘CheneyDays’.
Caucus season opens once every four years, and it’s so much more about drawing
blood.
The season has begun a year early. The candidates have
raced to find something ‘Iowa-like’ anywhere possible in their person. ‘Never
seem to be at odds with your surroundings in politics’ is such good advice. And
this year, all have quickly found their new ‘I’-dentities, some more easily than
others.
Guiliani and McCain seem to have an on/off relationship
with Iowa, both coming off totally fearful of the Mitt Wagon rolling to a hot
finish. Knocking on doors is nothing new to him.
Candidates are trotting out their new, previously unknown
political names. All have tried to copy Guiliani’s ‘Rudi’ drag name image –
Kucinski, Kerry (never sure!), Dodd…even Huckabee flips the skirt hem out with a
little hip-hop twist! Al Gore seems to have bitten into the horror-show genre.
Or is he just copying Obama’s ‘I’ imaging?
Both Hillary and Romney
have played it straight, thecorporate fear of non recognition. And those cute
Thompson twins must be trying to beat all by pushing conservative family values
to the hilt. Running mates already? How MaryKay/Ashley can you get? Brownback
aka Browni has opened the loser’s locker room with his try-on of one of W’s
flashback names. He’s there with Biden who hangs in the locker room like an old
jockstrap. Gingrich and Sharpton didn’t even suit up. And it’s way to early for
Nader (being the NADIR is rough in Iowa). Paul and Tancredo seem to be hanging
20, as distant 2nd tier wannabes.
The hot-button political issues have put their ‘I’ in. At
the top of the list, Iraq and Iran begin with ‘I’ –so smart if you are going to
be an issue. The marketing for ‘beltway’ issues — campaign cash and lobbying —
go boldly with doubles; as does gay marriage. But immigration foils all with a
triple-natural ‘I’! Besting everyone, putting terrorism and ethics into the
later races.
As the thermostat heats, watch the 24/7-talking heads
media and 2¢-journalists go down before the bacteria start to die off in coffee
shops. Bloggers give up their stay just after water boils at sea level,
typically beyond where ideas vaporize–making that elusive internet ether we all
hear about but never see.
Rove won’t ever melt. He hibernates one degree below
political zero, cicada fashion.
The Iowa tail wind howling like a siren just above Rovian
Hell pushes the wannabes on to New Hampshire (natural ‘I’) and the Eastern
version of political species selection. Is this Darwin’s smoking gun after all?
Political DNA spotting? Gentlemen, set your thermostats.
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