Mr. Bolton's Big
Comb-Over For America
Baltimore, MD - - Earlier today John Bolton announced his
acceptance of a position as a guest lecturer teaching advanced comb-over
techniques at Jerome's Beauty College. Despite President Bush's mandate from
the people in 2004 by winning 50.73% of the popular vote, Bush decided against
making a second recess appointment, leaving Mr. Bolton and Mr. Bolton's Mustache
unemployed. That is until the other "J.B." decided to pursue a different path:
beauty school.
 Mr. Bolton is no
longer America's advocate for forcing other countries to live up to their treaty
obligations such as the Biological Weapons Convention. Mr. Bolton had this to
say about his new position: "I look forward to a new a confrontation that will
change nothing despite my depth of knowledge [of perfecting the perfect
comb-over]."
Teaching the art of the comb-over is Mr. Bolton's specialty; the top of his
head has not grown a strand of hair since the Cold War. Despite his growth
problems, John always has a perfect grey "helmet" of hair. Things have not
always been easy for Mr. Bolton and his helmet. There was a brief period in the
summer of '04 when overgrown mustache hairs had to be surgically implanted into
his head, giving his helmet a slightly curly, pubic texture.
Sure chapter 7 treaty obligations did not work out against North Korea, and
neither did reforming the U.N. Human Rights Council. Mr. Bolton's "comb-over
diplomacy" didn't work for building consensus at the U.N., but it certainly will
be revered at beauty school. Bolton's first lesson, teaching comb-over
techniques to hide a bald spot is a lot easier than diplomacy.
By J.D. Burgan
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