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Red Tractor USA is a  news satire and political satire site - fake news - all B.S.  

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Laura Bush’s Latest Book Title: “The Pleasures of Masturbation”

Chicago - Laura Bush today announced the publication of her second book entitled The Pleasures of Masturbation.  Appearing on the Oprah Winfery show in Chicago, Mrs. Bush revealed to the audience of mostly women, her latest publication.

Laura Bush and Oprah

Mrs. Bush’s new book is decidedly geared towards a different market than her previous endeavor.  In April of this year Mrs. Bush and her daughter Jenna authored a children’s book called ‘Read All About It!”. 

When asked why now a book on Masturbation, Mrs. Bush told Oprah, that “While I absolutely adore children and children’s literature, I also adore masturbation and felt that as First Lady, since I have not done much else, I could open a new dialog about sex and masturbation with American women.”

As described by Mrs. Bush, her latest book provides a timeline of her various introductions and experimentation with masturbation and her on-going affinity for the sex act as well as outlining in her mind many of the advantages and justifications for women that masturbating has to offer.    While Mrs. Bush encouraged Oprah viewers to read her book, she also was excited to share some of her thinking on the subject with them. 

First, as a conservative religious woman, Mrs. Bush described how young women today could, through masturbation, experience both sex and abstinence at the same time. Mrs. Bush told Oprah “Masturbation represents the best of both worlds for young women today. They can enjoy the pleasures of sex and at the same time save themselves for the man they will marry.”

Secondly, Mrs. Bush told the applauding audience that masturbation is completely safe and an excellent way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.  Mrs. Bush described how, through masturbation, women can feel both fulfilled and protect their reputations at the same time.    “I mean, look at me,” Mrs. Bush told the Oprah. “I’m this librarian type and you know what, I get more than any woman I know.  While it may be mostly all by myself, I have maintained an honest marriage and a holy reputation while always being sexually fulfilled.”

Displaying a sense of humor rarely displayed in her seven years as First Lady, Mrs. Bush told Oprah “Look, some men should read this book too. And I can think of one former resident of the White House who would have been well served by self gratification.  I mean this stuff is scandal free and you would never get impeached for it.”

Mrs. Bush also told Oprah to tell women out there that there is not a better time to start masturbating.  With the economy being the way it is and stress levels on the increase, due to high unemployment and increasing debt, masturbation is a great way to cope with stress.  Mrs. Bush added that “with out going into great detail, masturbating is free or real cheap.  From what I hear even Wal-Mart sells sex toys these days.”

When asked by Oprah how her husband, President Bush, felt about her writing this book on masturbation, Mrs. Bush stated, “George has been very supportive of me on this, and he is the first to admit that being President of the United States can be a stressful job. When you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, one’s sexual performance may suffer.”

By David Kruk

 

McCain To Outsource Cabinet And AgenciesJohn McCain

Senate Cloak Room, Washington D.C. –Today Senator and Republican Presidential Hopeful John McCain announced that he would, if elected president, immediately begin to outsource the cabinet and their respective agencies.

In an informal press conference while changing from his campaign coat to his Senate cloak for a vote on the Senate floor, Senator McCain said that he would begin with the important departments of State and Defense and move quickly to the Housing and Education departments as well.  John McCain Outsource Cont.

Bush claims global warming success

Snow On GroundWashington D.C. -  President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the “spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished” for his administration, in his words. His announcement was made at the National Weather Center, a little-known government basement office hidden back behind Hoover’s FBI building.  

The president backed up his remarks by pointing to a series of current and recent past weather charts from November ‘07 – February ‘08 as his first examples.  Global Warming Cont.

 

 

 

 

 

 

08/18/2008

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News Satire Disclaimer

Red Tractor USA is a news satire and political satire web publication.   All news articles contained within are fiction, fake news,  news satire, humor, political satire or general humor and satire news.  All names used are fictional except those belonging to celebrities and politicians.   Any resemblance to the truth is a pure coincidence in cases of news satire except for all references to George W. Bush, the Bush administration, Dick Cheney, and the White House.     Red Tractor USA is intended for a mature audience.   If our site is offensive in any way, please watch Glenn Beck or  Bill O'Reilly if you are more comfortable with lies, distortions and half truths.  If you have a sense of humor and enjoy news satire and political satire, please enjoy.  

 

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