Neighborhood Goes Bad; Tattoo
and Massage Parlor Disagree
 By
Brian K. White The Admiralty Place neighborhood to
the southwest of St. Paul, Minnesota has seen a lot of changes in the last 30
years as industries have changed and the ethnic communities have dissolved.
"Old-timers here are concerned because crime is on the rise and the police are
growing scared to patrol" says Neighborhood Watch Captain Obadiah Lessen.
Alicia Voonter tries to support the new businesses that have opened but
complains that when she went in to buy a pack of Newports "the man tried to sell
me baggies and a gram-scale too. He wouldn't let up until finally I agreed to
come back later for an elaborate 4-foot tobacco pipe and torch-style lighter."
Neighborhood Gone Bad Cont.
Study Finds,
"Chicks are Psycho"
 By
Brian K. White An all-male research team at
Princeton university released the findings of a 30-year study this week. This
lifetime of research was gathered by five men who describe themselves as
“healthy, stable, and well-balanced.” Rufus Twilling, one of the researchers,
adds, “We’re not misogynists, I swear.”
The
longitudinal study dates back to the early 1970s. At the time, today’s doctoral
candidates were merely geeky children who avoided sports and spent vast amounts
of time in the role-playing realm of Dungeons & Dragons. Further, three
of the five researchers claim to have beaten Mike Tyson on their Nintendo game
systems. Crazy Chicks Cont.
Salesman Gouges Church; Goes
to Dinner, Hell
 By Brian K.
White Edward
Jenkins, an electronics salesman in Denver, Colorado, earned a hefty commission
yesterday by selling an overpriced overhead projector to his own church. He
promptly took the money and his vast appetite to dinner, only to die in a freak
car accident on the way back to a romantic rendezvous.
Mr. Jenkins had earned a respectable income over the past year by selling
professional grade broadcast electronics to school districts, government
agencies, and unsuspecting churches.
Salesman Cont.
American family flees
USA for Mexico in search of jobs, better life
 By
David Kruk Phoenix, Az. – Asking, “What’s so great about
life here” a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their
intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life.
In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse
immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children
today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across
the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life. American
Family Cont.
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Government study: trailer trash live in trailer parks
 Washington DC, David
Kruk - The
Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year,
multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study,
outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer
trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders.
The report published last
month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red
necks. While the report does not indicate how this came to be, it verified that,
on average, seventy-five percent of residents in most trailer parks were poor
white people known as red necks. Trailer
Trash Cont.
Pills force man to think only
about sex, man sues
 Stonecastle, Ohio- Bobzaguy -
Saying that he became a
slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills
filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the
drug.
“These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my
thoughts” said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. “As I have got older, my wife
is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave
me this prescription for Viagra 100mg. Well, I have to admit they do work the
way the instruction video says that’s for sure. Wow, is she happy.”
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