McCain's Infomercial

McCain Wishes For His Own Infofermcial

Sandusky, OH It is 8:04 pm on the Straight Talk Express, which is parked behind the local TV station's satellite disk. And McCain is fuming white heat at the end of the Obama media-buy-spectacular-in-your-face half-hour which was broadcast on networks CBS, NBC, Fox, and cable outlets MSNBC, Univision, BET and TV One. McCain watched it on a staffer's notebook computer which he tried to shut off after the show ended – then the staffer showed him how to close the screen down to stop it. "I was just going to do that, you know", McCain pouted to no one in particular.

Continuing on to the same no one in particular, he said "Did you see that office he was using? That's gotta be some kind of movie set right? For Chris' sakes who the hell has an American flag in their home office anyway? And did you see the fake trees and grass outside the windows? That's a stage set for sure with a fake picture taped to the windows. We've used that photo dozens of times even when we taped out at Sedona. Looks more realistic than the real stuff."

Then he caught himself dreaming and said to who ever was listening, "Well, let's get our own infomercial up and running now. I intend to match that one word for word, image for image. We'll do the drill, drill, drill speech. That really brings 'em out. He's not going to keep the upper hand here." The Senator whirled in his chair and spoke to his campaign adviser, Rick Davis. "I am sure that we don't have the big bucks to pay this type of media buy, so how about we just go to the Supreme Court and get a writ from Alito that we can have the same amount of time on the exact same channels as he got, but free, since we are on the Federal Dole here. Get Alito on the horn and let's set it up for later tonight. I can have Cindy pick us up at the airport here and fly us over to his place in a couple of hours, before he has to go to sleep. She's goin' to DC anyway to hire new help for the condo. Damn it's hard to find good help these days. Even in DC. You'd think there'd be dozens of people in that town who need a good job with this winter weather coming on."

The "McCain Presidential Blackberry" rings on the desk and the Senator answers. "Yes? Who? Sh*t! Oh, ok put her on. Hi Sarah honey, what's on your pretty little mind tonight? What? He said what? Where are you calling from honey? Sounds like some kind of giant saw is running...Oh, I see. A lumber mill. Tell me again what your "dude" said (making a tongue-out grimace to Davis) I see, that's what I thought you said honey, just wanted to confirm. Can you hold on for a minute here Sarah. Can't you just wait, I said...(puts phone on hold, under the couch cushion). Rick, listen to this now — her dogsled dude wants us to pony up a ton of quick cash for him to do a 15-minute video response using a family of Alaskan eskimoes to refute this infomercial we just saw here. He thinks that he can make a kitchen table family scene that will make Obama eat grass for a week. What do ya think here?"

"Well, John," began the adviser, "I think the Alito idea is a sure bet. We know that he will sign off on anything that we want. This video think just doesn't ring the bells for me, you know? Seems a bit to much out there for my money. Want to check it with the others or just go with our gut here?"

"Naw, let's just do the gut thing and leave it at that." said McCain. "I'll tell her to take a sleeping pill and call me in the morning." He picks up the 'McCain Presidential Blackberry' and says, "honey, I've been in consultation with Rick and the others and we've already stuck our iron in the fire down here. We're going to Alito and get him to give us free air to respond to this. Rick already has his piece in first draft anyway, so we can go to air tomorrow night after we get Alito to settle the air time issue. Thanks anyway for thinking of us, honey. You take care now, y'hear?

"By the way, is Sunday still on for all of you doing the brunch thing with me and Cindy at the ranch? She needs to know how many you will be. And hey, you tell that strapping hunk of blubber husband of yours that there's plenty of room for his plane at the ranch. I just had the runway repaved last week. We can take just about any kind of plane there now. I figure we'll need it when we start flying in all the transition teams people for the barbecues that we plan to have. OK. I'll tell Cindy to set for all of you plus the 2 nannies, right? M-bye." Then, quietly, "Jerk."

Just as Davis began to speak, McCain interrupted him with "Well, you gotta give it to her, she means well. Wish they would have had that idea about the Eskimo family table thing earlier in the campaign. We coulda wiped Obama's ass with that kind of stuff. That could have bought us easily a week's worth of non-issue time in the news cycles."

"Yea," Davis began again, "As it was, her shopping trip fiasco idea ate up plenty of time on its own. I never thought that would have worked in a million years, I sure guessed wrong there. Live and learn. We sure twisted 41's boxers in a knot with that trick. He was fit to be tied. I never have heard Barbara say such vileness over the phone before. She was so pissed that she didn't get in on shopping for any of the clothes that she's always wanted. I learned not to get on her bad side ever again.

"John? John?" (shaking McCain in his chair) "Oh damn, he's out again. Hey, Nicolle, bring back his pill sack will you? We have to wake him for the plane to DC in 30 minutes. He needs to at least seem be awake when we walk onto the plane. Thanks."