Microsoft McDonalds Christianity Merge

Microsoft Announces Merger With McDonald’s, Christianity

In what is being hailed as the end of the free world, Microsoft, McDonald’s, and Christianity have joined forces to form a single $300 billion/1.9 billion adherent corporate-religious entity known as McRosoftianity. The resulting mega-church/corporation is projected to manage virtually every aspect of the global economy and culture in just a few short months.

“We are absolutely thrilled because together we can control the world in ways that any one of us could have only dreamed of,” said Bill Gates, now high chairman-priest of McRosoftianity. “Our goal is to bring people together by making McRosoftianity the world’s sole provider of food, technology, and spirituality.”

McRosoftianity’s flagship product, McBible XP, is already available for download, and will hit stores worldwide next Sunday after morning services. McBible XP is an all-encompassing product featuring enhanced virus protection, Word of God processing, and a large order of fries or hash browns. It will not be compatible with other religions, non-McRosoftianity foodstuffs, or computer programs engineered before the Fall of Man.

The end-user license agreement for McBible XP requires all users to accept Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.

Concerns that the mere concept of McRosoftianity would violate antitrust law were dismissed when the deal was quickly approved by the FTC and Vatican under threat of divine blackmail. The merger, which was formally completed last Monday, has now officially existed since the creation of the Universe according to McChurch doctrine.

The details of the merger were hammered out in a series of overnight meetings between Bill Gates, Jesus, and Ronald McDonald. The meetings took place at Microsoft headquarters, the ninth sphere of Heaven, and Ronald McDonald’s private McDonaldland ranch. Mr. McDonald’s direct participation in these negotiations confirmed longstanding rumors that he was indeed the hamburger-happy mogul in charge of the fast-food giant.

“Jesus and Bill are shrewd negotiators, but I am no fool,” said McDonald with slicked back hair in a red and yellow business suit. “Their willingness to employ strong-arm tactics and deception makes them the perfect allies.”

Added McDonald, “I’m lovin’ it.”

In accordance with the terms of the merger, McDonaldland has become the home to the Church of Latter-Day Hamburgers, a religious institution that has the sole purpose of converting Evangelical Christians and Jehovah’s Witnesses to McRosoftianity. There are already reports of pairs of bicyclists wearing Happy-Meal-shaped helmets going house to house, preaching the advantages of homogenized living by subjecting the residents to assembly-line style worship services via Holy-Visual Chat.

“The new Trinity shall consist of Ronald McDonald, me, and Clippit, that little paperclip that used to pop up in Word documents to tell you that it looks like you’re writing a business letter,” preached Jesus to a group of unwilling converts. “You all used to laugh at Clippit, but now he is a divine aspect of your Almighty God.”

In a bold strategy to stamp out heresy before it starts, McRosoftianity has offered to provide catering and techno-spiritual support to any group of people interested in making a genuine attempt at public protest, an offer which some anti-McRosoftianity groups view as disingenuous and belittling. Nevertheless, some organizations have taken them up on the offer.

“With the help of McRosoftianity, our protest against globalization and the evils of McRosoftianity will be so much more effective!” said Ian Elwood, Corporate Wiki Project Manager at corpwatch.org. “Their convenient divine-thru messaging service gives us all the tools we need to organize a global protest against the very system that made it so easy for us all to connect to each other in the first place.”

“The key to putting an end to any corporation is as simple as unilaterally refusing to endorse their products,” continued Elwood, moving his Micro-soft drink cup from his desktop to the recycle bin. “Really, it’s just a question of how determined you really are.”

McRosoftianity is of the opinion that convincing their critics just how easy life would be under their forced mode of living is one of the fundamental steps to achieving global conquest, should they ever choose to formally pursue it.

“We will manage every aspect of your lives using child-safe software-toys distributed in the Happy Meals and Glory Communions you require for sustenance,” said Gates. “After Jesus cleanses your soul of sin and spyware, the appropriate tithe will be collected by an online cashier-priest-bot at which point your order will become immediately available for download.”

“To assure quality, your food will be compiled by only the fastest processors, and any misinterpretations of your order will be addressed by our patented Stained Glass Windows Updater as the Crucial-Fixes become available,” continued Gates. “Version 3:16 should be very stable, but if problems persist, simply offer a McPrayer to the Lord and MS Paint some RAM’s blood over your doorpost.”

Though these services are touted proudly, many consumers find the most compelling reason to give their soul-dollars to McRosoftianity is the promise of Heaven, a product taken directly from Christianity’s original production line. Furthermore, Jesus has made it clear that those who do not use McBible XP will suffer greatly in this life, and eternally in the next.

“I’m sold!” said a hapless and brainwashed consumer. “When the alternative is Hell teeming with malware daemons and boiling lakes of trans-fatty fryer oil, I’ll buy anything they tell me to! Thanks to McRosoftianity, I know that when the Blue Screen of Death comes for me I’ll be making my way through Heaven’s Golden Arches.”

In order to fight McRosoftianity on its own terms, Apple, Google, and In-N-Out burger have tentatively agreed to put aside their differences and have started negotiations regarding a merger of their own. After several failed attempts at naming the new entity, ranging from “Apple-N-Google” to “Appoogle-N-Out,” the proposed merger has settled on the name “Coalition Of Doing No Evil.”

When asked how the Coalition Of Doing No Evil planned to compete with McRosoftianity in the area of religion, Apple CEO Steve Jobs replied, “You obviously don’t know too much about In-N-Out.”

Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang was not invited to any negotiations. He has not received a phone call in several weeks and was last seen crying in a bathroom stall at the New York Stock Exchange.

McRosoftianity has announced that it does not view the proposed Coalition Of Doing No Evil, or any other corporation, religion, armed force, or government, as a significant threat to its mission.

“We will embrace humanity, we will extend humanity, but if anyone tries to get in our way, we will extinguish humanity,” said Ronald McDonald, his trademark smile turned into a frightening scowl. “I wouldn’t cross us if I were you, because frankly, you don’t have a McShot in Hell.”

By Michael Wakcher