The Best News Satire In The Field

Washington DC -  Long accused of being morally corrupt by most of their critics, the GOP today filed papers in Federal court declaring moral bankruptcy to the nth degree.

Wiping back what looked to be actual tears, Senator Lindsey Graham presented judges with the legal papers to be filed. Supporting him were The Arnold, governator from CA, and Senators Arlen Specter, PA and John McCain, AZ, bringing up the rear.

In a highly unusual court room drama, opposing party members filed the minority response. Caribou Barbie led this group supported by Senators Lindsey Graham & John McCain (both wanting to play both sides against the middle), Joe Lieberman, an outsider, and an anonymous Dallas resident, playing stand-in for Dick Cheney, reported to be in an undisclosed airport bathroom in Minneapolis. He had plans to use the security cameras there for a teleconference with the court.

Three federal judge types were chosen at random to hear the stark case of political intrigue and confusion: 

Supreme Court judge Clarence Thomas
Los Angeles judge Lance Ito
Pepperdine Academic Dean Kenneth Starr 

The legal eagles for Defense GOP are:

Cheney-shot Attorney Harry Whittington
Recused Judge Ken Starr
Psychic Nancy Reagan, channeling Ron Reagan's coffin 

The legal team for Minority GOP are:

Fredo Gonzales
John "Eagles" Ashcroft
Psychic Nancy Reagan 

Leading the Defense team, Dean Kenneth Starr recused himself from the bench to question the witnesses. He asked tearful Graham to state his side of the case for bankruptcy.

"Your honor, I am ashamed to admit that we the GOP have moved from alleged moral corruption to a state of certain moral bankruptcy. We are unable, as a party of fiscal conservatives, to spend — we are simply afraid to use cash and I hate to say it, but we can't make change." Said Senator Lindsey Graham to a packed court room.

Gasps erupted from the viewer galleries as he spoke these words of total party collapse — Judge Thomas gaveled the gallery back to order with a threat to clear the court.

Starr continued his questioning with the anonymous Dallas resident as a hostile witness..."What is your position in this case?"

"Well," began the masked witness, "I guess you could say I haven't been totally honest with everyone. I didn't hit the sound bites of the GOP to a fault you might say. You see I secretly enjoyed Spam sandwiches and going to Mickey D's for the fries. Oh Hell, I am tired of acting like Dick Cheney all the time. And I even practiced saying "La Quinta" in the shower. I knew it would come back and bite me and Lau- er my family on the ass. Always about us is downright tiresome."

Psychic Nancy whispered something to Dean Ken Starr and he smiled. "Your honor, Nancy says Ronnie -er President Reagan advises us to get the views from the other side, to keep the show moving along."

Justice Thomas turned to the other table in the room and motioned Dean Starr to resume his judge's seat. "Fredo, you got anything for us at this time?" Justice Thomas asked.

"Yes your honor, I do. We call Caribou Barbie to testify," said former AG Gonzales. "Ms. Barbie what is your position in this case? Why are opposed to the bankruptcy declaration?"

"Well now there, you see here, as I am sayin', that we all don't need to be bankrupt. Not in the least bit at all. I am certain we all can learn to spend. Just look at the spendin' we did since 2003 — almost 6 years there in Iraq and we're just about even in our spendin' over there as we want to be spendin' here at home in these United states of America. And it's good spendin' we do over there — bridges, roads, embassies, planes, helicopters, hummers, and lots of jobs too. We're replacin' thousands each month who rotate out of there to those hospitals we're rebuildin' — just as fast as we can. This economy that we have over there shows no signs of stoppin' —just gettin' bigger and better day in, day out."

Former AG now lobbyist Ashcroft injected a question…"Ms. Barbie, you realize this is a war that will end soon and that will mean a stop to all the military spending and jobs don't you?"

"Sure do you big old walrus, but there's always goin' to be another hot spot to transfer this economic model to, don'tcha know? Look at what could happen in Russia, if we put half a mind to doin'. It's probably time to shift outa this unbearable heat anyway. There's lots of cold weather supply companies in my state Alaska who are eager to feed at the trough of war and warrin'. Parkas, snow shoes, skis, snow boots, sun glasses, arctic back packs, lip balm — you just name it, we've got it — we've wrote the equipment supply books on cold war right here at home in Alaska."

"I see" said a deflated Ashcroft and sat down.

'Fredo," said Justice Thomas, "you got any other witness? Someone with a little more gravitas for this situation at hand, please?"

"Your honor, I call Joe Lieberman. Sit there Joe. Now, Senator, please tell us what do you see about this moral bankruptcy filing>"

"OK Fredo, can I call you Fredo? Good. Then as I told my BFF John McCain there when he was running for office in '08, John, I said, be sure to keep your Sunnis and Shias separate or you will lose the whole deal. But as you know, he didn't do that and he lost the election. But he is still in the race. And in the end that is most important to this GOP — to be able to turn on a dime — disavow the past 8 years and spin forward in a conservative way. Be able to disavow all guilt for how we have left our children's futures. And that future is always about us, no matter what Lindsey said today about his embarrassment — hell, he's on both sides of this fence, just like the rest of us. Except maybe Arnold there. But Arnold can't be President anyway, so that's his story."

Justice Thomas gaveled for no reason and said "Harry Whittington you haven't addressed this proceeding. What do you say now?"

"Your honor, I respect this court and will abide by this court's ruling in this moral bankruptcy case..." trailed off Mr. Whittington.

"But what do you say about the case?" queried Justice Thomas.

"Nothing to say at this time your honor. As long as that TV security is connected to Minneapolis, I can't enter any comment. I've been shot at once and hit, I learned my lesson and as long as he's around, I'm zipped as tight as a green banana."

"The court takes all this into consideration. We will give our ruling now. Lance Ito will read the ruling down."

Lance Ito began to read: "We hereby pronounce and declare that evidence is without doubt that the GOP is therefore totally, incontrovertibly and legally, morally bankrupt. As there has been no real evidence in opposition to this petition, we therefore grant the petition and disperse any public assets to the Congressional leadership for distribution to the constituency.All personal attitudes, beliefs and other effects remain the property of those who hold them, never to be used publicly again in this country. So help us God."

By Bob Zaguy