DOT Approves Asshole Lane For Nation's
Freeways
American drivers nationwide gave a collective cuss of relief when the US
Department of Transportation announced its approval for a building project that
would add designated asshole lanes to all the nation’s freeways by 2010.
“Asshole lanes will greatly improve the experience of the average driver as it
will provide a safe place for people to honk obnoxiously at one another while
shouting ‘fuck,’” said Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters. “Speeding,
tailgating, and cutting people off without signaling will be strongly
encouraged.”
“The
budget for the plan totals just over $90 billion, which is a lot of money to be
spending on assholes,” added Peters, “but many assholes have been pushing hard
for this, and it’s about time we gave in to their stubborn persistence and
self-absorbed screaming.”
The
National Association of Asshole Drivers (NAAD), formerly the League of
Disgruntled Carriage Operators, supports the plan and is very pleased with its
implications for the average asshole. Members are already planning to celebrate
the opening of asshole lanes by organizing convoys in which drivers will swerve
and honk indiscriminately while flicking each other off with giant foam hands
with large middle fingers designed specifically for the occasion.
“Finally
we will have a place on the road where we won’t be harassed by the respectful
drivers who avoid us in smug silence,” said Jeremy Reed, asshole. “These people
just don’t get that the road doesn’t belong to them.”
But even
as most assholes look forward to seeing the new lane, other assholes still have
reservations. “It’s the real assholes I’m worried about because they’re
going to ruin it for all the average assholes, like me,” said Wendy Burton, road
rage practitioner. “I once saw this asshole in an unwashed, black Mustang doing
110 on the freeway in reverse with his brights on while blasting Limp Bizkit and
drinking a 40 of King Cobra. I thought it was a bit much.”
“Even
worse, I bet you’ll see lots of emotionally stable non-assholes trying to
benefit from the lane when really they shouldn’t be there,” continued Burton. “I
wouldn’t be surprised if quiet, reserved drivers play CDs of Lewis Black hurling
obscenities in an effort to game the system.”
The DOT
admits that abuses like this could occur, but that such behavior will not
necessarily be discouraged as faking assholishness in order to use the asshole
lane is probably something only an asshole would do.
In an
effort to adequately prepare current drivers for the change, traffic schools
will soon be required to teach “offensive driving” courses in which students
will be instructed on how to drive like assholes. The courses will also include
a section on how to exit the lane without getting killed.
By
Michael Wakcher
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