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Neighborhood Goes Bad; Tattoo and Massage Parlor Disagree

By Brian K. White   The Admiralty Place neighborhood to the southwest of St. Paul, Minnesota has seen a lot of changes in the last 30 years as industries have changed and the ethnic communities have dissolved. "Old-timers here are concerned because crime is on the rise and the police are growing scared to patrol" says Neighborhood Watch Captain Obadiah Lessen.

Alicia Voonter tries to support the new businesses that have opened but complains that when she went in to buy a pack of Newports "the man tried to sell me baggies and a gram-scale too. He wouldn't let up until finally I agreed to come back later for an elaborate 4-foot tobacco pipe and torch-style lighter."

While some residents are concerned that things were going downhill, merchants have been vocal that it just isn't true. The head shops, nail salons, pawn shops, tanning salons, Payday check advance centers, tattoo parlors, plasma center and all-night massage parlors all agree that business is booming and that their clients are regular, upstanding citizens.

"Massage at 4:00 in the morning is no crime" says Kim Fuk of Victor Charlie's Deep Saigon Massage. "Maybe no sleep or work late, we no judge, just rub you long time."

According to some residents the businesses don't see what's going on outside. One woman who wished to remain anonymous told us, "I'm walking back from the store and this disgusting black transvestite asks me to pay him for sex. I have six grandchildren and go to mass every week. What makes him think that I would want a cheap cross-dressing whore? Wouldn't I just go to Vegas?"

Merchants at a nearby body piercing shop were asked for reaction about this sort of problem on the street and Sailor Cam responded, "What? No, I had no idea that sort of thing was going on out there. What did he look like? Was it Leon? Oh, that *#@% is dead!"

While many of those living in the new low-rent neighborhood have cited it as a great community for its access to affordable crack-cocaine and secondhand car stereos, others plan to take the matter to a higher authority. However, since most police carry discount stamp cards for the local prostitutes and drug dealers, citizens have been forced to call in the mob.

Order should begin to restore within six months, though contract prices have not yet been determined.

Government study: trailer trash live in trailer parks

Washington DC, David Kruk - The Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year, multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study, outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders.

The report published last month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red necks. While the report does not indicate how this came to be, it verified that, on average, seventy-five percent of residents in most trailer parks were poor white people known as red necks.  Trailer Trash Cont.

Pills force man to think only about sex, man sues

Stonecastle, Ohio- Bobzaguy -  Saying that he became a slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the drug.  

“These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my thoughts” said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. “As I have got older, my wife is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave me this prescription for Viagra 100mg. Well, I have to admit they do work the way the instruction video says that’s for sure. Wow, is she happy.”