Palin Wins
2008 Nobel
Economics Prize
Des Moines, IA — "I would like to
express my deepest gratitude for this very noble prize bestowed upon me for my
work on the economy of buying and selling lemons in the Arctic." With these
words, Gov. Sarah Palin thanked the Nobel Prize Committee in Sweden for their
nomination of her for their 2008 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics.
Her press conference speech continued, "Lemons
have been around since the dawn of trade. They came to Alaska by way of Russia.
We traded for them, since everything else came by us that way in the early days,
I think. We were a long way from becoming a folly back then. Well, so now we
have a lot of lemons here in Alaska, Juneau? That's my Groucho imitation, by the
way."
Gov. Palin spoke further, "Today, in Alaska we
are careful in buying our lemons. In the past, we usually bought persimmons
because they lasted so much longer. We didn't like their taste particularly, I
know I didn't, but we bought them just the same. Now we buy only lemons as they
are more readily available in our markets. More and more trucks are making the
trek up here to deliver groceries. You just can't expect dog sleds to always do
the work, ya know. But more importantly, if they freeze up there, and it does
get cold in my Arctic state, then these lemons just taste like really cold
lemonade."
Questions from the press were allowed. Helen
Thomas, the doyen of the White House press corps asked: "Governor, what led you
to begin an economic study of lemons in Alaska, of all things?"
"Well, there, Helen," she began, "I just was
thinkin' about the way things are sold out on the street, you know, the markets
around the town and I decided to pick lemons because I value lemonade as a great
summer porch drink. You can sip a tall one there in a rocking chair and muse
about what's goin' on in Russia with that Putin guy. Hey, did you ever wonder at
how close the spelling of our two family names are? Putin-Palin? uhhn, next
question, over there Sam Donaldson."
"Yes and good morning, Governor. If you don't
mind can I ask just what was the title of your economic thesis that drew the
Nobel people to you as a candidate for the prize?"
"Of course you can ask, Sam, but I may not want
to answer you in the exact way that you might think would be a good answer. Here
goes, then. This is from my theory of lemon selling in the markets.
…[reading from a paper]…"What are some of the
theories of the market lemon seller? First, of course, you have to have a bag of
lemons to sell. Now, as the lemon merchant, you know the composition of your bag
of lemons. Say it is a 5 pounder. How many lemons of quality are in this bag?
All 5 pounds? Or are there some lower quality ones down in the center of the
bag?
"This is how I came across my economic theory
which I am calling "Lemon Scents" to give the double meaning of 'smell theory'
and 'the hidden theory' of knowledge of what's in the bag. Get it?"
Donaldson pushed his luck and asked, "Followup
please?" And before a Palin handler could stop him, "Given the serious economic
issues enveloping this country, not to mention the world, why would it be that
anyone cares about selling lemons in Alaska? And is it true that you are here in
Des Moines to close the McCain / Palin state headquarters?"
"Now there you go, harping on the little
details again, Sam," she began. "Why, I can tell you that there are tons of
hockey moms and Joe 6-Packs everywhere that are so concerned about lemons and
their impact on the markets that it has become an overriding economic issue in
other world markets as well. Not just Alaska, Juneau? I'm sorry for my little
humor there again, but I do love to say that line a lot. Next question."
"Tom Brokaw from NBC here Governor, may I ask
just as background to my upcoming interview with you, do you see the economic
issues disappearing soon with your and Sen. McCain's possible win in the
election? And may I point out that you didn't answer Sam's question about
closing your Iowa headquarters."
"We'll rethink about that interview and get
back to you, Tom," the governor began. "But to the one question that I
heard...here's my answer. I think the next item on the agenda of the economics
profession is the achievement of a community with each member learning from one
another, and then passing it on. For example: it is difficult for young people
to attain credit to pursue their ideas, because the truth of the matter is
always mixed with the false. Juneau? Oops, there I go again with my humor."
Continuing, "More to your point, Tom, this is
the stuff that markets are made of: How to sort the good from the bad. And the
good may lose out as well as the bad. OK? Next question."
"Brit Hume here Gov. Palin. Please explain…"
"Hey there, can I call you Brit? I'd like to
have a boy named Brit, goes with my other kids' names you think? Sorry, ask
away. But fair warning, nothing more about the you-know-what in you-know-where,
OK?"
"Yes, thank you ma'am. Would you please explain
your position, with Senator McCain, on how the poor in our country will be
better off with your policies than they would under a possible President Obama."
"Possible? I'd say IMpossible! OK, there Brit.
You know we, now here I mean just John and I by saying 'we', do understand a
pivotal piece of the puzzle as to why some countries are poor while others are
rich. And we can work for the cure of the poverty that causes their hunger,
their diseases, and gives them lives spent more in misery than in
self-fulfillment. This is for all of the globe, not just the lower 48. You do
see this don't you, or should I draw you a picture?"
"Maybe this theory from my economic policy work
explains my perception of this poor policy easier for you. You can lead a horse
to water but he won't always drink. Normally we say that's just human nature.
Now, if you give him a bucket of beer instead of the water, then it follows that
he will be mellow."
"Some will say that these are just gimmicks and
tricks. But, I say that the market is full of tricks as we have seen just this
last couple of weeks. And John and I say that the tricks of the market are
caused by the greedy tricksters. And because of these tricksters, markets can
and do totally collapse. Unless you have someone, preferably a maverick, who
knows how to be a trickster. That's so important. This maverick knows the
tricks, and he is able to sidestep them and bring chaos to a close. I think I
meant to say close to chaos there instead. Think of my economic theories as just
rules of thumb. I look at them as addressin' simple but profound and universal
ideas."
I'd like to close this gathering with a final
thought that I just came up with, that "Little by little, women and men of ideas
have taken a lot from nature. In doing this we have reached some understanding
of God's creation. And with that understanding, we can keep an eye on that Putin
guy across our close international border. Keep him over there. Maybe sell him
some oil.
"And I was just now asked to announce the
closing of the Iowa headquarters for McCain / Palin. Hey, what's this all about?
Are we really doing this?"
By Bobzaguy
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