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Red Tractor USA is a news  satire and political satire site - fake news - all B.S           

News Satire From The Field

Red Tractor USA is a  news satire and political satire site - fake news - all B.S.  

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Special Report: Things Not to do Drunk

By Brian K. White

With unemployment reaching all-time highs (barring that Great Depression thing which remains a scourge against all of satire at large,) alcoholism is finding a new and powerful resurgence in American society unrivalled since the Rat Pack best commercialized it in the early '60's. With that in mind Glossy News has assembled a semi-comprehensive list of things NOT to do whilst under the heavy influence of this powerful treaty-inspiring spirit.

List of Thing Not To Do While Drunk

  • Cut your own hair; trust me.
     

  • Call your ex (especially after hours).
     

  • Email your boss.
     

  • Drive... No, seriously, don't do it dumbass!
     

  • Hit on fat chicks, family members and dudes in often poor disguises.
     

  • Order Girls Gone Wild.
     

  • Drink some more (though very popular).
     

  • Harass cops though they clearly deserve it.
     

  • Splurge on that long-coveted tattoo.
     

  • Pass on the condom with anonymous hotty #4
     

  • Floss for the first time in 8 months -- Ouch!
     

  • Wrassle other drunks.
     

  • Wrassle dudes on coke or speed rather than alcohol.
     

  • Check out that timeshare sales pitch.
     

  • Participate in philosophical discussions with a cat or dog.
     

  • Take anything apart.
     

  • Bench 300.
     

  • Anything with "Gone Wild" in the name.
     

  • Put Skittles where they don't belong.
     

  • Drag race a cop sleeper car.
     

  • Hit the minibar, however gently.
     

  • Lifting contests, specifically of the "not from the knees" variety.
     

  • Make commitments.
     

  • Proclaim your love to anyone for the "first time."
     

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    07/20/2008

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    Past News Satire Headlines

    American Family Flees To Mexico
    Chicks Are Psycho
    Glenn Beck Guns on Campus
    Marijuana Bongs Recalled
    Neighborhood Gone Bad
    Pope Benedict's Secret
    Study: Trailer Trash Live In Trailer Parks
    Unemployment Union Local 641 Goes on Strike
    Viagra Lawsuit
    Wal-Mart To Offer Sex Toys

    Past Political Satire

    Bill O'Reilly "I'm not a racist"
    Bush Economic Policy
    Bush Education Program
    Bush Imigration Boders
    Bush Torture Zcar
    Carrot And Stick
    Cheney Naval Observatory
    Dick Cheney Naval Observatory
    Duct Tape Auction
    George Bush Boxing
    Global Warming
    Google NSA Join Forces
    John McCain Running Mate
    Laura Bush Book on Masturbation
    Laura Bush Smoking and Drinking
    Mike Huckabee Meets Pat Robertson
    Mike Huckabee Meets Pat Robertson
    Political Reality TV
    Waterboarding added to 2008 Olympics
    Waterboarding added to 2008 Olympics

    Red Tractor USA Columnist

    3AM Call To The White House
    Brown Nosing
    Brown Nosing
    Corporate Dress Code
    Excuses For Being Late To Work
    Excuses for being late to work - Autumn
    Looking Busy at Work
    Looking Important at Work
    Office Holiday Party Behavior

    Business Satire

    Bathroom Time Monitored
    Bekins Movers
    Chinese Chopsticks Recall
    Fast Walking Employee
    Greyhound Deterring Passengers and Terrorists
    Holiday Party At Wendy's
    Home Depot Humor
    Homeless Cell Phones
    Mattel Barbie Resigns
    McDonald's Drive Through Outsourced
    Problem Solving Flow Chart
    Voice Mail Greeting
    Wal-Mart Layoffs
    Yellow Posted Notes

    Local News Satire

    Air Phone
    Art Film Sucks
    Arts and Craft Fair
    Bike On Bus
    City Sticker Controversy
    College Graduate Unemployment
    Corrupt Mayor Chicago
    Deodorant Commercial
    Dignified man
    Drink To Much?
    Foie Gras Chicago
    Funny Joke
    McCain Vietnam
    Oil Change Parking Lot
    Overrated Slut Gives Bad Head
    Salesman Gouges Church
    Short Guy With Big Package
    Special Report: Things Not to do Drunk
    Stimulus Package

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    News Satire Disclaimer

    Red Tractor USA is a news satire and political satire web publication.   All news articles contained within are fiction, fake news,  news satire, humor, political satire or general humor and satire news.  All names used are fictional except those belonging to celebrities and politicians.   Any resemblance to the truth is a pure coincidence in cases of news satire except for all references to George W. Bush, the Bush administration, Dick Cheney, and the White House.     Red Tractor USA is intended for a mature audience.   If our site is offensive in any way, please watch Glenn Beck or  Bill O'Reilly if you are more comfortable with lies, distortions and half truths.  If you have a sense of humor and enjoy news satire and political satire, please enjoy.  

     

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