The Best News Satire In The Field

In a discovery that shocked Wall Street and Washington alike, top economic analysts have determined that then Senator Barack Obama's massive fundraising efforts were in fact the very cause of the economic recession that shattered the public's trust in Republican government, and ultimately got him elected. 

This finding was underscored by President Obama's signing into law of the $787 billion stimulus bill into law last Tuesday, which is intended to help draw the U.S. out of the recession of his own making.  

"What do you think happens when nearly $1 billion suddenly disappears from the economy and goes straight into the pockets of a greedy politician?" said Michael Gibbs, professor of economics at the University of Chicago. "And that number doesn't count all those pesky 'hidden donations' that most people didn't even know they were making." 

Through use of a strong grassroots movement, as well as the Internet and social networking sites, Obama was able to shatter previous fundraising records, and the stability of the U.S. economy. 

During the primaries and his presidential campaign, Obama asked for small donations in online videos and on his website, referring to the many thousands of people who had already given "ten dollars, twenty dollars, whatever they can afford." With millions of supporters giving just that, the average amount of disposable income per household dropped dramatically. These donors had less money to spend on consumer goods, investments, and paying off debt, which began a self-perpetuating cycle of sagging G.D.P. and bad credit. 

Facing decreases in sales, and a significant lack of capital on account of large donations on their own part, many businesses had to shut down or lay off workers, leaving countless donors unemployed. Many of these people again turned to Obama and his platform of change, donating yet more money to his campaign, thus starting the process anew. 

"It was genius, pure genius!" said John McCain and Hilary Clinton in a rare joint statement. "He created a problem, then promised to solve it while blaming the opposition." 

Added both, "I wish I could have pulled that off."  

Before accepting public funding, Senator McCain raised $72 million, but nobody who donated actually expected him to win. 

Exacerbating the already expansive fundraising fallout are the billions of dollars wasted by Obama supporters who went on long road trips to see him speak, or even went so far as to buy airplane tickets to witness his historic, albeit botched, inauguration. While the money spent on travel helped reconfirm U.S. dependence on fossil fuels, something Obama has promised to wean the nation off of, it hurt these consumers' ability to support other areas of the economy. 

"I was going to invest in solar panels, pay my medical bills, and order new school supplies for the kids, but instead I gave my money to Obama," said Karen Ingrich, soon-to-be unemployed. "Now if only he can get the government to develop alternative energy, fix the healthcare system, and support our failing schools, I won't have to feel bad about squandering the difference I could have made in the life of me and my family." 

"It would be great if the government could provide all our food too," added Ingrich, suspending her last shred of individual responsibility. "But in these uncertain times, who can be bothered to solve their own problems?" 

Because of such high expectations for the new President, Obama's first 100 days in office will be inspected with increased scrutiny. Now that he has officially climbed his way to the highest office in the land on the back of his own fiscal donkey, the pressure is ever greater for him to stay the economic downturn that he is undeniably responsible for. 

"I gave him $20 to help get him elected," said Bill Huxby, a recently laid off factory worker. "I sure hope he gives it back now that he's President."  

President Obama's official answer to the 2009 Obama Fundraising Recession is the left-wing-supported $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Critics of the plan (i.e. Republicans) feel it is bloated with unnecessary pork and government spending that won't stimulate the economy in the short term, and will instead burden taxpayers for up to three generations. Far worse, some fear the act could all be part of Obama's master plan to get re-elected in another four years. 

Republican Senator Judd Gregg, who gracefully axed his bid for the highly sought after position of Commerce Secretary, was reported as saying, "The President and I disagreed on every single detail of that godforsaken plan, which apparently, was only so pressing because of the egregious and unfair pre-tax he levied on his not-yet constituents." 

"Nonetheless, I still respect the man and blah, blah, blah, and all that bullshit." 

But even before the signing of the bill, Obama's first move to stimulate the economy came in the form of various chachki displaying his likeness, including (but not at all limited to) cups, mugs, shirts, clocks, hats, pool cues, bobbleheads, beach towels, and bumper stickers. Particularly popular are the highly iconic Obama Victory Plates, which commemorate the mere fact that he exists and is President. These trinkets and paraphernalia are currently generating a micro-economy of their own, and are expected to do so as long as the President maintains his pop celebrity status. 

"I'm the one who got us into this mess," said President Obama as he took his Obama squiggly-pen to the monstrous recovery bill. "And I will not rest until each and every American does his or her part in getting me out of this horrible crisis."

By Michael Wakcher