What
To Do And Not To Do At Your Office Holiday Party
By David M. Kruk
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Happy Christmas, merry Hanukkah, and a great Kwanzaa to you. Hopefully I am not alone on being confused on how to say happy holidays these days with out pissing somebody off. This politically correct stuff is driving me nuts. Any way, speaking of holidays, in today’s column I offer my suggestions on appropriate behavior, what to do and not to do at your annual office holiday party.
I recently studied the behavior at my department’s holiday party here at the hospital in New Jersey and have compiled a list of what to do and not to do at your office party. We must have had quite a party because my list of what not to do is quite long.
For starters, lay off the martinis. Let me repeat that. Stay off the martinis. This year I observed that nothing good ever comes from enjoying a few martinis at the office holiday party. Let face it, getting hammered on martinis and then telling your coworkers how much you love them is not what you want to be remembered for. Neither is dancing to Celebrate with your shirt off.
Also avoid shots of Tequila for the same reasons as above. If you must do shots of Tequila, I would at least make sure that your boss is included so that he will not remember who was really drunk and who was not. Also, make sure to buy a round for those who report to you. That way they will not remember how drunk you were.
Avoid recreational drugs. Smoke that special number that you have been saving later. Laughing out of control for no apparent reason at your office holiday party will draw attention to you every time. Also leave your blow at home. Working the crowd by pacing back and forth generally seems a little odd
Regarding personal behavior, I noticed at this year’s party that flirting among coworkers was on the decline. That is a good thing. My poor sap coworker, who was flirting with that secretary with the big rack, was in deep shit after his wife fond out. Turns out her cousin worked for the catering company. You never know who is watching.
If your company is more generous than mine and actually invites your spouse to the holiday party, make sure to spend some time with her. Otherwise that prick that was hitting on the secretary will be checking out your wife next. Also, make sure to introduce your wife to your boss so as to demonstrate that you are minimally competent enough to hold down a steady relationship.
For formal holiday parties, make sure to dress properly. Leave your Grateful Dead tie at home. Blending in at these events is better the standing out. If you look good, you won’t be too embarrassed when you see the photographs on the lunchroom bulletin board. That is unless of course, your photographed with the lamp shade on your head.
That really pissed me off. Our office, like most offices, has this do-gooder who is really excited about taking photographs of every one having a great time. Remind me to thank her for that. My advice on photographs for now on is having your picture taken when you first arrive and have a Coke can in your hand.
If your company holiday party features one of those grab bags where every one pitches in a gift, leave your sex toys at home. Funny, but eventually some one might figure out who put that in there. Not the biggest deal but in the world, but this might only confirm what they already suspect about you. Less ammunition is better.
I also recommend knowing when to leave your holiday party. While you may think that being the last one at the holiday party proves how dedicated you are to the firm, if the lights are blinking and you are staggering round, that may not be how you want to be remembered. I hope all this helps you survive your office holiday party, merry holidays and a happy winter season!
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