Oprah Admits Shoe
Addiction, Apologizes
Chicago, IL
—
A socially dangerous shoe addiction was unearthed this morning during a live TV
interview/intervention on the Oprah show. The hot topic of the show was stomach
by-pass surgery and the dangers that happen both to people who elect to have the
surgery and their families and close friends and associates.
Oprah's top psychologist Dr.
Robin explained that "If a patient drops a lot of weight without confronting why
they were overweight, they risk becoming addicted to something else. Experts
call this swap of one compulsive behavior for another "addiction transfer."
She continued "this transfer
hurts other people as much and sometimes much more as the original addiction."
As Dr. Robin continued to
explain, the cameras were directed to focus on Oprah – who suddenly began to sob
uncontrollably. Then over the studio's sound system came the voice of the show's
director – "Yes, Oprah, it is true that you have harmed all of us. Your shoe
buying - your fixation on always wearing shoes without scuffed soles on camera -
your need to have all the colors - has turned my life into a total shambles. I
don't have any money left at the end of the month for enjoyment, I have to buy
shoes even on the weekends."
While the company simply
suspects that maybe a real large bunch of people got ripped off by their dealers
who sold them some home grown shit, they have agreed to voluntarily recall the
2007 model bongs in an effort to retain their loyal customers. The company has
indicated that their research into the matter has shown that the majority of
complaining customers all live within or near several major metropolitan areas
in the country.
Taking this cue, Dr. Robin also
spoke to Oprah. "I too have been buying every shoe I can find. You have to admit
your shoe addiction to your national TV audience and apologize now. All your
fans are becoming shoeholics just like you. It has to stop."
As the camera widened the
close-up to show the stage, Oprah's best friend Gayle stepped into the lights.
She too had tears streaming as she rushed to Oprah's side and gave her a hug.
"Yes, yes, yes" she dribbled, "I can finally say that this is the best day of
our lives together. I can finally confess that your shoes have been driving me
and Stedman crazy. I have had to build new storage closets into my home just to
accommodate all the shoes you have driven me to buy, just to keep up with you.
And I am only on-air 2 or 3 times a month. I have over 1800 pairs of shoes now,
and I haven't even worn a third of them. There just isn't time in my life to
wear this many shoes."
Tears streaking down her
makeup, Oprah turned to Gayle and Dr. Robin and flung herself at their feet in
what could best be described as a worshipful manner. "Oh Dear God," she gasped,
"I was only trying to make you all happy with me."
Dr. Robin took the lead and
explained, "Oprah, you didn't ever have bypass surgery, but with your constant
dieting and weight loss and gain, you have had the same effect as a bypass that
didn't work."
This history-breaking moment of
TV sensationalism ended with Stedman bringing out a pair of Hush Puppies to
Oprah which she put on as she sighed, "We'll be right back after this
announcement from our friends at GE."
By BobzGuy |
