Nation’s Pathetic
Try Hard To Break Stereotypes, Fail
WASHINGTON– Over 300,000 pathetic Americans nearly marched on Washington last
Friday in an effort to shatter stereotypes that portray them as unable to
organize, accomplish, or achieve, but instead didn’t.
“The
event had been planned for months, all the pieces were in place, we only needed
to reach out and seize the opportunity right in front of us,” said Ray Emerson,
chairman of the National Association of Pathetic Persons (NAPP). “We didn’t,
and now it looks like we’re back where we started.”
The NAPP,
whose date of establishment is unknown due to poor record keeping, was founded
by Michael Cole in order to shut up a lazy friend of his who had been talking
about creating the group for years, but never did. Cole left the group after its
creation to get back to his job and life, two things that no member of the NAPP
has since possessed.
“We are
unfairly discriminated against every single day of our lives, whether it is the
assumption that pathetic people lack ambition, or the culturally accepted notion
that pathetic people are unable to perform at work due to general incompetence,”
said Emerson. “Our constitution will clearly state that it is our mission to
fight these stereotypes should we ever get around to completing it.”
The
pathetic march was intended to bring unfair treatment of pathetic people into
the public eye while simultaneously shattering the stereotypes that fuel this
bigotry. Meanwhile, many non-pathetic people feel it is the pathetic themselves
that are the problem.
“I can’t
stand pathetic people, and I can’t stand that they’re so smug about not needing
to accomplish anything in life to be happy,” said Robert Cleveland, successful
suit-wearer. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my extraordinarily
high paying job that gives me personal fulfillment and also supports my
beautiful wife and children.”
“They
are a sorry, sorry people,” added Cleveland, shaking his head contemptuously.
Worse
still, the NAPP has come under fire from a small but vocal group of its own
members who feel that the organization has done a poor job fighting for their
interests. This outspoken group feels that because events such as the pathetic
march keep failing to coalesce, many pathetic stereotypes will continue to
thrive unquestioned.
“I’ve
considered myself pathetic for many years, and that’s why I showed up for the
march,” said Jenny Martin, one of several hundred pathetic people who actually
dragged themselves to the event. “I am passionate about the fact that we must
take immediate action, which makes me seriously question whether or not I really
belong in the NAPP at all.”
But many
top members of the NAPP are less critical of the event’s failure and feel that
the inability of the march to get off the ground was due to circumstances beyond
anyone’s control. “A lot of pathetic people were simply too busy avoiding last
minute work they had put off to be bothered filling their prior obligations,”
said Marvin Grey, chief event coordinator for the NAPP. “Other pathetic people
had to catch up on sleep from playing too many hours of online video games the
night before. If there were any way we could have planned for these obstacles
then we might have, but seriously, how could we have known?”
“I do
regret that Chairman Emerson was unable to deliver his ‘I Have an Ambition’
speech, but even though things didn’t go as planned our cause still received
some much desired attention,” continued Grey. “We take pride in the fact that
when the time comes for the next pathetic generation to break to the glass
ceiling, they will have to do even less work than we did.”
By
Michael Wakcher
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