President
McHobo
San Diego, CA An old dictionary
definition of hobo is "one who wanders from place to place without a permanent
home or a means of livelihood." Historically, the lifestyle of hobos required
that they do basic, unskilled manual labor. In today's world that doesn't always
have to be the case. Any skill that is in wide demand and does not require an
extended time commitment can "work" for the "new hobo." As long as you can
advertise your services and earn people's trust (ideally through references) and
take their money, you can do anything.
With this in mind, John S. McCain
III has set out to become the world standard for hobodom. How did he begin?
"First off," as he recounted in his press conference, "I put my affairs in
order," my friends, "you know, make sure I was square with the world. So I paid
off some debts, put a couple of dollars in my rainy day savings account and made
a list of my skills and experience. I guess you'd call this my Plan B. It's
serious and very life-altering to be a hobo, you know. Then I went on Jay Leno
to announce how I feel about housing in the US."
From the Leno show transcript,
Monday, August 25, 2008:
"McCain did [note his] several
homes. 'We spend our time in a condominium in Washington, a condominium in
Phoenix, some time over here in the state of California, and then we have a
place up in northern Arizona,’ he said. 'And my friends, I’m proud of my record
of service to this country, and it has nothing to do with houses. What it has to
do with putting Americans in houses and keeping them in their homes.' "
Notice there is no mention yet of
his planned home-away-from-home, The Straight Talk Express.
Leno then asked McCain: "Aren't
hoboes ancient history?"
McCain answered: "No way,
jerk! Many are still out there, traveling, enjoying the open road as
rail-riders. Many more are known as 'Rubber Tramps' – traveling much like the
old timers except using buses and trucks and such. That's my style–my bus,
daddy-o."
Continuing his press conference
description of preparations, Mr. McCain said "I was feeling increasingly
dissatisfied with that old senate 1pm to 3pm routine, three days a week. It
really gets you down. I hate that same-old, same-old, and I was ready for a
different type of daily grind. Something to get my teeth into, you know. My new
Plan A.
"I was looking to keep costs low,
responsibilities simple, freedoms intact, I was amazed to find out that my
housing costs were skyrocketing out of control. Hell, we were trying to live
everywhere at once. You know I discovered that somehow Cindy and I suddenly
owned maybe 7 homes. I truthfully can't explain how that happened. Neither can
she. Well, the second condo in La Jolla I do understand. We didn't buy a big
enough one the first time around, and suddenly it was too small and we had to
add the second one, so I guess that counts as OK. Right?"
Then Senator McCain began speaking
with his very serious Senator look, "Well, we put all those properties into a
land trust. Rented them out right smart-like. Oh, except for the Phoenix one and
the Sedona compound. You see Cindy needs a place to stay, since she's not really
very much into my hobo dreams at all. And she does have that little CEO work
thing she does with the Hensleys to keep up with. She needed to have the Sedona
place for weekends. Sorta veg out and all that. I will soon be able to come by
and pitch my tent –so to speak– once in a while. Just as soon as they can get my
rail car siding built into there. Something about rail rights-of-way legalities
and all that.
"Now you all may wonder what I plan
to do with my time. That's where my lists of skills and experience come into the
picture. You didn't think I'd forget where I was going with this did you, you
little jerks?" He grinned. "Course not. Well, I don't have any good skills with
mowing lawns and constructing anything, that's always been done by others, you
know. And I sure as heck don't have any interest in farming, being from Arizona
where farms are almost nonexistent. That pretty much leaves what the migrants
do, pick stuff and such, or fishing.
So, finally I figured that I'd
better go with my pilot training, I'd be good with that. Pilots can almost do
anything they like—like being president. Well, now you all know that I flew
quite a few fighters and bombers in my flying days. Crashed a few of course, but
I got some good out of it before I got slammed into that POW thing for 5 years.
"So, I decided I could hit the road
as President, in my neat hobo bus with some friends or others who might like to
hit the road, you know that Kerouac thing about jazz, sex, and fast, aimless
driving on the open road–all that good feeling stuff", McCain continued. "Show
of hands here, do you like the name on the bus to stay Straight Talk Express" or
should I go with the more telling "McHobus?" Hands go up only for the last one,
prompting McCain to say, "Fucking jerks."
Picking up a copy of Kerouac's On
the Road, he reads ..."The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are
mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same
time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow roman candles."
McCain puts down the book with
visible tears, "That's what I want to live for, that 'burn, burn, burn like
fabulous yellow roman candles' that he writes about, that's me. Cindy doesn't
see it, but then most c**ts don't.
"So this McCain's Code of the Road,
my friends:
Hit the Road! Leave your roots
behind a tree. Find a new place to live each day. Make a shit-load of friends –
one day you damn well will need their helping hand, their cash. With no schedule
and no responsibilities, I plan to decide how to best use time to achieve a
balance between Presidential work, travel, relaxation, and that "Burn-Burn-Burn"
entertainment."
That's something Dubya never could
do, balance. Hell, he fell off one of them Segway cycles even!
"That's what I plan to do over the
next 8 years as your president, you little jerks—travel the open road."
By Bob Zaguy
|
Email To A Friend
