John McCain Hobo

President McHobo

San Diego, CA An old dictionary definition of hobo is "one who wanders from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood." Historically, the lifestyle of hobos required that they do basic, unskilled manual labor. In today's world that doesn't always have to be the case. Any skill that is in wide demand and does not require an extended time commitment can "work" for the "new hobo." As long as you can advertise your services and earn people's trust (ideally through references) and take their money, you can do anything.

With this in mind, John S. McCain III has set out to become the world standard for hobodom. How did he begin? "First off," as he recounted in his press conference, "I put my affairs in order," my friends, "you know, make sure I was square with the world. So I paid off some debts, put a couple of dollars in my rainy day savings account and made a list of my skills and experience. I guess you'd call this my Plan B. It's serious and very life-altering to be a hobo, you know. Then I went on Jay Leno to announce how I feel about housing in the US."

From the Leno show transcript, Monday, August 25, 2008:

"McCain did [note his] several homes. 'We spend our time in a condominium in Washington, a condominium in Phoenix, some time over here in the state of California, and then we have a place up in northern Arizona,’ he said. 'And my friends, I’m proud of my record of service to this country, and it has nothing to do with houses. What it has to do with putting Americans in houses and keeping them in their homes.' "

Notice there is no mention yet of his planned home-away-from-home, The Straight Talk Express.

Leno then asked McCain: "Aren't hoboes ancient history?"

McCain answered: "No way, jerk! Many are still out there, traveling, enjoying the open road as rail-riders. Many more are known as 'Rubber Tramps' – traveling much like the old timers except using buses and trucks and such. That's my style–my bus, daddy-o."

Continuing his press conference description of preparations, Mr. McCain said "I was feeling increasingly dissatisfied with that old senate 1pm to 3pm routine, three days a week. It really gets you down. I hate that same-old, same-old, and I was ready for a different type of daily grind. Something to get my teeth into, you know. My new Plan A.

"I was looking to keep costs low, responsibilities simple, freedoms intact, I was amazed to find out that my housing costs were skyrocketing out of control. Hell, we were trying to live everywhere at once. You know I discovered that somehow Cindy and I suddenly owned maybe 7 homes. I truthfully can't explain how that happened. Neither can she. Well, the second condo in La Jolla I do understand. We didn't buy a big enough one the first time around, and suddenly it was too small and we had to add the second one, so I guess that counts as OK. Right?"

Then Senator McCain began speaking with his very serious Senator look, "Well, we put all those properties into a land trust. Rented them out right smart-like. Oh, except for the Phoenix one and the Sedona compound. You see Cindy needs a place to stay, since she's not really very much into my hobo dreams at all. And she does have that little CEO work thing she does with the Hensleys to keep up with. She needed to have the Sedona place for weekends. Sorta veg out and all that. I will soon be able to come by and pitch my tent –so to speak– once in a while. Just as soon as they can get my rail car siding built into there. Something about rail rights-of-way legalities and all that.

"Now you all may wonder what I plan to do with my time. That's where my lists of skills and experience come into the picture. You didn't think I'd forget where I was going with this did you, you little jerks?" He grinned. "Course not. Well, I don't have any good skills with mowing lawns and constructing anything, that's always been done by others, you know. And I sure as heck don't have any interest in farming, being from Arizona where farms are almost nonexistent. That pretty much leaves what the migrants do, pick stuff and such, or fishing.

So, finally I figured that I'd better go with my pilot training, I'd be good with that. Pilots can almost do anything they like—like being president. Well, now you all know that I flew quite a few fighters and bombers in my flying days. Crashed a few of course, but I got some good out of it before I got slammed into that POW thing for 5 years.

"So, I decided I could hit the road as President, in my neat hobo bus with some friends or others who might like to hit the road, you know that Kerouac thing about jazz, sex, and fast, aimless driving on the open road–all that good feeling stuff", McCain continued. "Show of hands here, do you like the name on the bus to stay Straight Talk Express" or should I go with the more telling "McHobus?" Hands go up only for the last one, prompting McCain to say, "Fucking jerks."

Picking up a copy of Kerouac's On the Road, he reads ..."The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles."

McCain puts down the book with visible tears, "That's what I want to live for, that 'burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles' that he writes about, that's me. Cindy doesn't see it, but then most c**ts don't.

"So this McCain's Code of the Road, my friends:

Hit the Road! Leave your roots behind a tree. Find a new place to live each day. Make a shit-load of friends – one day you damn well will need their helping hand, their cash. With no schedule and no responsibilities, I plan to decide how to best use time to achieve a balance between Presidential work, travel, relaxation, and that "Burn-Burn-Burn" entertainment."

That's something Dubya never could do, balance. Hell, he fell off one of them Segway cycles even!

"That's what I plan to do over the next 8 years as your president, you little jerks—travel the open road."

By Bob Zaguy

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