Salesman Gouges Church; Goes
to Dinner, Hell
Edward
Jenkins, an electronics salesman in Denver, Colorado, earned a hefty commission
yesterday by selling an overpriced overhead projector to his own church. He
promptly took the money and his vast appetite to dinner, only to die in a freak
car accident on the way back to a romantic rendezvous.
Mr. Jenkins had earned a respectable income over the past year by selling
professional grade broadcast electronics to school districts, government
agencies, and unsuspecting churches.
In a fleeting pre-mortem interview with Glossy News, Jenkins offered, "It's
great. I look at the schedule and if it says I can put a Benji [one hundred
dollars] in my pocket with a sale, hey, I do it." Off the record he told us,
"Sometimes those dumb bastards pay thousands over what they should, but
to hell with them, I’m getting paid!" Glossy News opted to release this off
record quote on account of his being deceased.
Late last evening, en route from dinner to
his suavely appointed bachelor pad with Kristi Yates - area beauty and noted hot
slut - a big-rig truck driver fell asleep, crossed the center line and collided
head-on with Mr. Jenkins’ 1986 Mercedes convertible, mid knob-polishing.
Unfortunately, Edward’s soul was promptly relegated to the depths of Hell. Ms.
Yates survived the impact when her head hit the dashboard, thus cushioning the
blow.
Satan, speaking from his pulpit in Hell between whip cracks,
offered, "He went to church, I think I read, but that didn't make him ‘chosen,’
you know? You’ve gotta do more than sell overpriced electronics if you want to
stay outta here. In fact, that’s a good way to get into here.” The Dark Angel's
file on Jenkins included his desecration of the church in which he worshipped,
dozens of counts of "unacceptable fornication" (Satan declined to explain) and
1.6 million odd-counts of impure to very impure thoughts. As such, he was busy
hammering brimstone and thus was unavailable for comment. Meanwhile, back on the
human plane of existence, Mr. Jenkins’ church discovered that the projector he
had sold them mere hours earlier didn’t actually work as advertised. In seeming
defiance of the laws of physics, the overhead projector would only display
images upside down, no matter how they were inserted into the machine.
“I’m glad he’s in Hell,” said pastor Bob Stroops of the Our Lady of the Most
Compassionate Countenance Church. “Salesmen like that deserve to go to Hell. He
robbed us blind, and I feel no forgiveness toward him. I’ve got an entire flock
to look after, you know? How I’m supposed to do it with people like him hanging
around the fringes, pretending to be worshipers, I’ll never know. Now, if you’ll
excuse me, I must go visit Ms. Yates in the hospital.”
Glossy News has confirmed that Pastor Bob later exited the hospital with Ms.
Yates in tow and proceeded directly to her place, stopping only at the local
liquor store for two bottles of bourbon and tequila. Though Glossy News will not
speculate on what went on, we can report that the pastor did not leave Ms.
Yates’ apartment until early the next morning. As he was leaving, Ms. Yates
appeared at the door in a skimpy bathrobe, returning his missing priestly
collar.
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American family flees USA for Mexico
Phoenix, Az. – Asking, “What’s so great about
life here” a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their
intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life.
In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse
immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children
today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across
the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life.
Having just been laid off from his job in the
technology field because it was outsourced to a firm in India and facing
foreclosure on their house, Mr. Smith told relatives today in Phoenix that he
had heard from a Mexican chef at the local diner that a family of four can live
in Mexico for just a few pesos a month. American
Family Flees To Mexico
Bush to appoint torture zcar
Washington, DC
- Riding out the remaining 390 days left in his second term as president, George
Bush has proposed to add a new Torture Czar to his administration’s cabinet. As
proposed, the new torture Czar will have primary oversight of torture
administered by the CIA but will also oversee torture administered by all local
and federal agencies.
 The Torture Czar will work with CIA
director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is
appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying
obtained from detainees.
Announced at a news conference today
at the White House, the president's press secretary Dana Perino, told reporters
that “The Torture Czar will balance our national security needs with our
constitution. It is part of our national conscience to make sure that our
agencies tasked with protecting our citizens and fighting the war on terror have
the tools they need, while at the same time upholding the principles on which
our fine county is based.” Bush
Torture Zcar Cont.
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