Short Guy's "Got it Where it Counts," Doesn't
Geoffrey Cudna, a short man from White Plains,
NY, has long purported that, despite his lackluster height of a mere 5'4", he
definitely has "got it where it counts." A recent survey of no fewer than six of
his past lovers has now surfaced debunking this ridiculous claim.
 "Oh
dude," lied Geoffrey through his smallish, carnie-like teeth, "don't let my
height fool you. In my pants I've got a wicked anaconda of Hollywood sequel
proportion." He further fraudulently claimed that he's suffered "complaints that
it's too big," frantically adding, "no, seriously."
Ex-girlfriend and one-time former
disappointed lover Dawn George said, "He's all talk, then he whips it out and
I'm like 'that's it?' and he's like, well, we're both here and naked, might as
well find out what all the fuss is about, right?' So I did. Man, did I feel
stupid three and a half minutes later. At least I know what the fuss isn't
about."
Another ex-girlfriend, who would only speak to us on the condition we not use
her name, offered, "I knew he was just talking himself up, but I gave him three
rounds of pity sex anyhow. He's a nice enough guy but he has to stop pretending
he's super human. Hell, he's hot even adequate."
While we at Glossy News firmly assert that her claim would carry more weight if
we used her name, we have committed to not doing so, just as we would for any
other 23-year old Arby's assistant manager living in the 4300 block of Main
street, whether she was his sister's close friend or not... which she is... with
a mole on the left side of her neck... named Marjorie Triac.
The study, published as an under-graduate thesis paper, points to an estimated
length of "Tootsie roll" to "roll of pennies", with girth approximations ranging
from "pencil" to "girl-thumb".
Also in unanimous contradiction to Geoffrey's claims is the "motion of the
ocean" argument. Coital estimates ranged no higher than six-minutes, spanning
never more than two positions.
Geoffrey, speaking with us under the pretense of mutual deception, added. "I may
still get carded for PG-13 movies, but in the bedroom I do some serious damage
to the chicky hoo-hoo's... no woman has ever complained [to my face, only to the
news and in published, scientific findings].
Geoffrey was unavailable for further comment once he learned that this article
was an expose unveiling the true size of his "birthday candle."
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