Beer Cans, Cigarettes In
Space, Attributed To Astronauts
Offutt Air Force Base,
Nebraska - Scientists employed by the U.S. Strategic Command have recently
observed an increase in the amount of space debris that they are charged with
tracking. Beer cans and cigarette butts now can be added to the catalog of
over 10,000 items observed to be in orbit around the earth.
The source of this space
litter has been identified as NASA space shuttle astronauts unwinding in between
space walks and other assignments. Utilizing powerful telescopes and
ground-based radar, the U.S. Strategic command has counted around thirty-six
empty cans of Miller Genuine Draft beer and almost one hundred cigarette butts.
Reached at the Kennedy
Space Center in Florida, NASA deputy administrator Shana Dale discounted
accounts of beer cans and cigarette butts in space as fiction created by
disgruntled civil servants. Deputy administrator Dale told
Red Tractor USA
that “These reports of astronauts drinking and smoking while aboard the space
shuttle are absolutely ridiculous and totally false.” Dale also said that NASA
astronauts are prohibited from smoking cigarettes at any time during their
training or while on missions.
Based on the heels of
recent allegations that several space shuttle astronauts had blasted off and
piloted the space shuttle while drunk, Scientists at the U.S. Strategic Command
have stated that they have solid evidence that the astronauts were also getting
blasted once in orbit.
An anonymous source at
the air force base told Red Tractor USA “Look, this debris was not there the
last time we checked two months ago, then these clowns go up there and our radar
has almost one hundred and forty new blips on it.”
U.S. Strategic Command
tracks all objects orbiting the earth primarily to prevent the misinterpretation
of space junk as hostile missiles. Orbiting debris is also considered to be a
hazard to the space shuttles. Items much smaller than a cigarette butt have been
known to damage the space shuttle when they collide.
None of the astronauts
from the last space shuttle flight would comment on this story. However, Ravi
Patel, a manager at the Seven-Eleven store across the street from the Kennedy
space center recalled seeing a junior astronaut in training at his store the
morning before the last space shuttle mission. Mr. Patel stated that “This
guy is always over here picking up coffee and donuts for the crew and I remember
that on the morning before the last mission he stops in here buys a case of beer
and a deck of cards, think what you want”.
By David Kruk
|
The Torture Czar will work with CIA
director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is
appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying
obtained from detainees.