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Beer Cans, Cigarettes In Space, Attributed To Astronauts

Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska - Scientists employed by the U.S. Strategic Command have recently observed an increase in the amount of space debris that they are charged with tracking.     Beer cans and cigarette butts now can be added to the catalog of over 10,000 items observed to be in orbit around the earth.

The source of this space litter has been identified as NASA space shuttle astronauts unwinding in between space walks and other assignments. Utilizing powerful telescopes and ground-based radar, the U.S. Strategic command has counted around thirty-six empty cans of Miller Genuine Draft beer and almost one hundred cigarette butts. 

Reached at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, NASA deputy administrator Shana Dale discounted accounts of beer cans and cigarette butts in space as fiction created by disgruntled civil servants.   Deputy administrator Dale told Red Tractor USA that “These reports of astronauts drinking and smoking while aboard the space shuttle are absolutely ridiculous and totally false.”  Dale also said that NASA astronauts are prohibited from smoking cigarettes at any time during their training or while on missions.

Based on the heels of recent allegations that several space shuttle astronauts had blasted off and piloted the space shuttle while drunk, Scientists at the U.S. Strategic Command have stated that they have solid evidence that the astronauts were also getting blasted once in orbit. 

An anonymous source at the air force base told Red Tractor USA “Look, this debris was not there the last time we checked two months ago, then these clowns go up there and our radar has almost one hundred and forty new blips on it.”

U.S. Strategic Command tracks all objects orbiting the earth primarily to prevent the misinterpretation of space junk as hostile missiles.   Orbiting debris is also considered to be a hazard to the space shuttles. Items much smaller than a cigarette butt have been known to damage the space shuttle when they collide.  

None of the astronauts from the last space shuttle flight would comment on this story.  However, Ravi Patel, a manager at the Seven-Eleven store across the street from the Kennedy space center recalled seeing a junior astronaut in training at his store the morning before the last space shuttle mission.    Mr. Patel stated that “This guy is always over here picking up coffee and donuts for the crew and I remember that on the morning before the last mission he stops in here buys a case of beer and a deck of cards, think what you want”.

American family flees USA for Mexico

Phoenix, Az. –  Asking, “What’s so great about  life here” a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life. 

In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life.  

Having just been laid off from his job in the technology field because it was outsourced to a firm in India and facing foreclosure on their house, Mr. Smith told relatives today in Phoenix that he had heard from a Mexican chef at the local diner that a family of four can live in Mexico for just a few pesos a month.  American Family Flees To Mexico

Bush to appoint torture zcar

Washington, DC - Riding out the remaining 390 days left in his second term as president, George Bush has proposed to add a new Torture Czar to his administration’s cabinet.  As proposed, the new torture Czar will have primary oversight of torture administered by the CIA but will also oversee torture administered by all local and federal agencies.

The Torture Czar will work with CIA director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying obtained from detainees.    

Announced at a news conference today at the White House, the president's press secretary Dana Perino, told reporters that “The Torture Czar will balance our national security needs with our constitution. It is part of our national conscience to make sure that our agencies tasked with protecting our citizens and fighting the war on terror have the tools they need, while at the same time upholding the principles on which our fine county is based.”   Bush Torture Zcar Cont.