Two
Heads, One Person. Cheney And Rumsfeld Combined!
Washington, DC - By J.D. Burgan - Two heads, one asshole. After more than thirty years of working together the “Big Two” have finally decided it would be easier to kick more ass if they are fused into one being. Despite Rumsfeld’s blackened heart from authorizing the bombing of civilian populations in Iraq, he was the natural choice for the left side of Mr. Cheney’s ailing body. Rummy is unemployed and the fusion makes it easier for the Big Two to attend pending suits for torture. Mr. Cheney felt comfortable with the selection, “Who else could I fuse my body too? I mean, “Scooter” is under Federal Indictment, besides me and Rummy are into S & M.”
White House aides are having a mixed response to the new Vice President, former Secretary of Defense fusion. Republican Bob Knob said, “I just hope this doesn’t in spire other Republicans to fuse together. The last thing America needs is an Arnold Schwarzenegger/Charlie Crist super governor of sunny states.”
John Tarcotsira, the White House’s second string coffee maker and assistant to the assistant of the Assistant Chief of Staff’s assistant was more sanguine about the fusion: “I welcome the change; it’s one less person to make coffee for and one less ass to kiss.”
Democrat Paul Frespend was optimistic about the change and what it meant for the Democrats in 2008, “This is an example of the government adapting. If the heart of the IRS and efficiency of FEMA joined together there is no stopping what could be created, maybe even universal healthcare.”
Other Democrats weren’t as optimistic. Senator Barbara Boxer stated: “I just hope Cheney and Rumsfeld don’t decide to fuse with Condoleezza Rice. Those two mixed with a vagina/PMS could lead to a nuclear holocaust.”
The wives of both American leaders decided to follow suit after having to split time between the ‘hybrid husband’ in what was otherwise an unchristian, polygamous relationship – although neither has ruled out an addition of Ms. Rice to the mix. The two wives have taken a liking to each other’s company. When asked about the new lifestyle Mrs. Cheney stated, “With Mrs. Rumsfeld surgically attached to my groin, I’m never lonely, and I can finally live out the lesbian fantasies that I wrote about in Sisters.”
Clear evidence four wrongs can make one gigantic right. I wouldn’t be lonely either if I had Mrs. Rumsfeld/Cheney around the office a little more too… or a copy of Sisters.
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