God's Unconditional Love
Officially Terminated
Earth- Mass panic ensued
among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven
saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will
no longer be provided unconditionally.
"If you want my love
you're going to have to earn it," said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who
continuously sang His praise. "This generally involves being a good person, and
making at least one genuine attempt to benefit humanity over the course of your
painfully short lives."
The termination of His
divine love came as a startling shock to the roughly 1.9 billion Christians
around the world who have grown accustomed to waking up every morning to the
warm and comforting embrace of an infallible, omnipotent being of indescribable
power who cares about each and every one of them on a deeply personal level.
"I was always told that
God was the only person who loved me more even more than I love myself, but I
guess that's not the case anymore," said Luke Benet, 4th generation Christian.
"This worries me because I think it means I'll have to actually take stock in
myself, and maybe even start giving a damn."
Prior to the revocation,
God's transcendent love was forcibly showered upon every person on Earth with no
stipulations, costs, or behavioral expectations. This generous distribution
format, referred to by God as the "Free Love" model, had been maintained by God
for over 2,000 years. Now many who have taken His love for granted are pitifully
looking for ways to earn it back.
"I've already sacrificed a
few stray cats, but who knows if that's the sort of thing an omnipotent being
would like," said Nate Rogers, church-goer and racquetball enthusiast. "If only
He left us with a more concrete set of guidelines, or maybe some rules that we
could follow in order to please Him, then maybe I wouldn't be caught whistling
in the dark."
In response to complaints
like these, God has advised the sinners of mankind to read His international
bestseller "The Bible," which has already been translated into over 2,000
languages, including Pig Latin. Still, in spite of its enormous popularity,
the book is rarely read apart from choice snippets and easily digestible maxims
that are clearly taken out of their deeply historical context.
"My book, The Bible, may
seem cryptic at times, but it also provides valuable life lessons such as 'do
unto others as you would have them do unto you,'" said the Almighty Lord to a
lost and forsaken humanity. God was then quick to point out that lessons such as
these could only be found in His book, that it would be pointless to search
elsewhere, and that any such searching would make him very jealous.
Copies of The Bible can be
purchased at most bookstores, but are also commonly found behind pews, in
courtrooms, and in the drawers of hotel room bedstands.
"I know Jon 3:16 is
important," said Gina Snopes of Tarzana, California, "but I only know that
because I see it on the bottom of the paper cups at In-N-Out."
While a handful of
eternally damned academics are skeptical that such an archaic text, steeped in
the values and customs of an era long past, would have any sort of bearing on
modern life whatsoever, there remain cadres of religious scholars who agree with
God that there is something to learn from it.
"The Bible may surprise
you," said Ron Mauler, professor of religious studies at the University of
Kansas. "If you ignore the parts that endorse rape, murder, pillage, sexism,
slavery, and a host of other abominable sins against humanity, then what you're
left with is actually a pretty decent set of guidelines to live your life by."
Among those who are most
deeply hurt by God's withdrawal of His love are those who only recently
converted to Christianity with the expectation that God would love them for no
other reason than the fact that they acknowledged it. Many recent converts
claim that if they knew they had to work for God's love, that the religion as a
whole would have been much less appealing.
In order to prevent
Christians like these from losing faith, but also to prevent God's children from
being consumed by the cold and unforgiving vacuum of their recently emptied
souls, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will be giving out free hugs at
St. Peter's Square until the spiritual void is filled, or his arms get tired. In
an unorthodox move, he has enlisted Amma, the hugging saint, for guidance as to
how to deliver hugs on the global level.
"I can't take the place of
God," said the Pope, rolling up his white sleeves in preparation for a hard
day's work, "but I can sure as Hell try."
By Michael Wakcher
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