United Parcel Service

UPS Buys United States Post Office

Atlanta, GA UPS Headquarters In a sharp turn away from the recent news that FedEx is possibly going to take over German-based shipper DHL, United Parcel Service [UPS] today announced that it is buying long-time competitive shipper, USPS [United States Postal Service]. The new company will be called U-2P3S – something that will probably twist the tongues out of most shipping clerks' mouths, but it was vetted through 15 user forums and all thought it was too cool not to use. Plus, the various rap groups and hip-hop singers are itching to get their chops on the name as well. That means lots of royalties.]

When asked how UPS was going to be able to swallow such a huge load as the whole United States Postal Service, UPS spokesman Juriff Springstep said, "We have every reason to believe that this merger will be in the best interests of the whole country. We are assured by the House and Senate postal committees that there will be no hurdles put in our way to acquire the USPS."

Pressed for a more complete and informative answer Mr. Springstep said, "We see complete intercapabilities of our own First Class, Express and International Mail services with the USPS mail services. And they have all these trucks that just sit around and look so white, so we have the ways to get the mail out ontime, just like we do with our own brown delivery services. No worry. I'm just not sure what we will do with all those damn Sinatra stamps."

We next asked about employee downsizing that must be considered in such a merger. Mr. Springstep said airly, "Yes, there will be many people reutilized as a result of this marriage of cultures. Since we at UPS have operations around the world, and the USPS is simply on the one continent, it's safe to say that lots of local folks will be shipped around to spots hither unbeknownst to them. All reutilized persons will be shipped at company expense with lots of time to get settled in their new surroundings."

What about opportunities for those employees who will not be transferred? "Well", said Mr. Springstep, "our sponsorships with NASCAR and NHRA alone will make great spots for at least the drivers who will find themselves truckless. NASCAR alone plans to open so many more speedways and add so many more races, that drivers will almost be able to get work instantly. Of course," he continued, "our current drivers who already have very active racing careers with NASCAR will not be affected by this merger. Their racing positions will be maintained."

"Also our recent work with the Olympics will surely allow us to position many of our package handlers for the 2012 Games, where we have been assured by the IOC that Package Fling will be a new athletic sport. We are also at the very end of negotiations with the IOC about Semi-trailer Parking and Pallet Stacking as two more areas of sports events for the 2016 Games in Chicago. Now you know what happens to Olympics stars when they get back. Everyone wants to hire them!"

According to the company's history:

"In 1907 there was a great need in America for private messenger and delivery services. To help meet this need, an enterprising 19-year-old, James E. (“Jim”) Casey, borrowed $100 from a friend and established the American Messenger Company in Seattle, Washington. Jim's brother George and a handful of other teenagers were the company's messengers. They ran errands, delivered packages, and carried notes, baggage, and trays of food from restaurants. They made most deliveries on foot and used bicycles for longer trips." This was 6 years before the United States Parcel Post began.

"As you can see," said Spokesman Springstep, "that $100 investment has been paid back many times over. We deliver 16 million packages each day now. Four billion deliveries in 2007. Quite a bit of stuff, I'd say. We'll easily be able to manage some letter carriers and such."

The final question was about the Parcel Post company. What would be done about the fact that FedEx has a delivery contract through 2013 to deliver packages for the USPS? "Oh that. Well, we are sure that it will be possible to negotiate ourselves quite a deal there. We have lots of avenues that we can explore in this area. I can't be specific right now, as we haven't sent in the check for the USPS actually. Let me get back to you in 3 to 5 business days about the specifics. OK?"

By Bob Zaguy

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