The proliferation of
unsold crap, which economists say began as early as November of 2007, continues
to affect retailers nationwide as crap that nobody wants piles up on shelves and
warehouse floors, untouched by consumers.
Crap, which constitutes
90% of what is sold in the United States, has been steadily introduced to
department stores, outlets, and retailers for as long as anyone can remember.
While crap is usually snatched up by consumers looking to waste money, consumers
have recently started hoarding their wealth, dispensing it only on items they
actually need.
The legacy of America
crapophilia is the widespread proliferation of crap producing factories in third
world countries, where domestic crap such as plastic dragon candlesticks and
imitation Mao hats are produced alongside the American, land-fill quality crap
that shamefully litters our homes and offices. While the quality of this crap,
as compared to American made crap, can vary within a limited range, social and
economic experts agree that it is all, unequivocally, crap.
"Everything we know about
the economy says that people will buy crap, cheap or expensive, as long as it is
advertised well," said Elliot Read, economic analyst. "We're not concerned as to
whether or not the consumer can afford this crap, just so long as they buy it."
Crap, which is best
disposed of immediately after purchase, is advertised to consumers as producing
attraction in members of the opposite sex, improving the quality of life, and at
the very least, having actual uses. Nonetheless, market research has found that
while advertisements for crap has become increasingly sophisticated and
expensive, the crap itself has in no way improved.
"We've been repackaging
the same crap for the last 30 years, telling the viewer that it's going to
revolutionize their lifestyle every single time," said Ron Popeil, noted
television crapmonger. "All of my crap is designed to stop working after a few
months, but I guess that's not good enough anymore."
Worse still, the crap
epidemic shows no signs of ending. Even as President Obama promises to
revitalize the crap-selling economy, many large companies that relied on selling
crap have filed for bankruptcy in the last three months alone.
Even the $800 billion
government bailout has yet to reduce the amount of unsold crap.
"I've never seen
consumers so afraid to spend money on things they'll only use once and never
touch again," said Rob Argyle, who has been in the business of selling anything
people will buy for sixteen years. "Now I've got hundreds of mechanized egg
crackers I can't get rid of no matter how many times I rearrange the display."
"All this crap is making
it harder for the consumer to find the few good products I have any confidence
in selling," conceded Argyle. "I don't want people to be under the impression
that I actually sell this crap; I just want people to spend money on it."
"I guess I could try
selling this crap on Ebay by using misleading product descriptions, limited
return policy, and overpriced shipping," added Argyle. "Lord knows I would never
use any of it."
This Holiday season, billions of dollars worth of crap was sold, but not quite so
many billions of dollars as in recent years.
"Even if we stop making
crap now, there will still be plenty of it to get rid of before things are
looking even remotely reasonable," said Timothy Geithner,
U.S. Secretary of the Treasury. "People just don't seem interested in ripping
themselves off anymore."
By
Michael Wakcher
Saying that he became a
slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills
filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the
drug.
Email To A Friend
