Waterboarding added to
Olympics for '08
IOC Headquarters, Switzerland –Bobzaguy
In a little-known press conference outside the offices of the International
Olympics, The President of the International Olympic Committee (IOC), Jacques
Rogge, announced that after long consideration and research with the UN and
throughout the world, waterboarding would be added to the roster of competitions
for the Beijing Games in August.
 President Rogge reminded the
press member who was present that the IOC has identified five development goals
it believes it can help advance through sport and with its partners. These are:
eradicating extreme poverty and hunger, promoting gender equality and empowering
women, combating HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases, ensuring environmental
sustainability, and developing a global partnership for development.
The IOC President then stated, "I
have been assured by the current administration of the United States that this
creative sport can add to the development goals of the IOC."
Rogge continued, "This sport has
been under undisclosed development over the past 7 years with the idea of
eventual international competition for the participants. The Bush people say it
will directly advance the gender equality IOC goal as well as eradiating poverty
and hunger almost single-handedly. They are feverishly working on the global
partnership idea now and plan to advance that goal separately, I understand."
When asked how this torturous
activity could possibly be brought into our society as a sport, Mr. Rogge said,
"I know that it seems at first glance to be against the tenents of the
International Olympics. But I have been assured that this will easily be
addressed by the judges. They are: "#2", "SOS", "J-Mc", "2U", "A2-G2", and "SETAG",
who will oversee the event. They go by their internet blog names for the time
being, and may reveal their real names in time."
President Rogge then added, "Our
world-wide sponsors are The Blackwater Group, KBR-Halliburton, The Family Saud,
and our official TV programming sponsor, Hummer. I now can announce that Hummer
will offer vehicles to the first, second and third place winners instead of our
traditional gold, silver and bronze medals. We are very proud of this
enhancement to the Games."
Pushed by the press correspondent
to explain why waterboarding will become an Olympic sport, Mr. Rogge said, "This
activity will attain sports stature because it exemplifies the confidence needed
to perform it. Participants will be scored on their confident nature; their
fluid delivery; creativity of the ride - both for delivery and for the rider;
and of course, the ability to disguise the torture elements for the viewers."
Rogge then read from a Department
of Defense statement about the new sport of waterboarding: "We are putting the
game face on this sport. This will become the international ride of your life.
Everyone will soon be able to participate as we envision waterboarding parks
springing up around the world. With plans already in place for several years in
Guantanamo, Cuba, Darfur, Africa and various undisclosed spots in Iran and
Afghanistan, we see the chance that school children will want to become the
waterboard athletes of the 2016 Games in Chicago."
The DoD memo finished with this
thought: "We hope that the IOC will add to their goals that this sport will even
help cure blurred vision, because–bottom line–you need to see what you are
doing."
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The Torture Czar will work with CIA
director General Mike Hayden to ensure that CIA administered torture is
appropriate as related to the desired information that CIA agents are trying
obtained from detainees. 
